Where did you go, my darling young one?

It’s been a long time since I last posted, too long. It’s not that I am losing interest or the ‘novelty’ is wearing off its, well, its despair.
Yes I got to see her again for a brief time, often we remember someone a little more idyllic than they are. I realised that she is still a much more wonderful person than I had in my mind’s eye. I got to give her the ‘Deadbeat’ gear, man I wish I could see her in the T-shirt, just the thought and I am melting!
The despair comes from the long time since I last saw her and the uncertainty of when I will see her again. I heard she was very ill recently, not often do I feel scared about anything but to hear of her illness all I wanted to do was take her in my arms and nurse her back to health, I wanted to sit by her bed 24 hours a day until she got better.
Instead I am powerless to help, relegated to messages of sympathy on Facebook. Oh how impotent it makes one feel!
I think I can safely say I love this woman, I thought once before I was in love but now these feelings are so much stronger than ever before. What should I do? I am trying to ‘clean my act up’ you know ‘get it together’ so my life may be a little more attractive. I have been so focused that without trying I have lost so much weight that most of my clothes no longer fit me. I had to buy a new belt as my work pants are so loose I can fit both arms down the front with them done up. I have shortened the belt by about 8-9 inches so it will fit me and I need to shorten it again.
This woman has such a power over me that I have no control of my body’s function! Of its own accord it is loosing weight for her, all I can think of is staring into those superb eyes and nothing else is important any more.
She is still my inspiration to write, though I can’t say I have come up with much that is any good lately. I need to see her again, maybe some early issues of deadbeat are in order?
Hmm, maybe, maybe indeed!
AJ

Tonight

Tonight.
I get to see her tonight.
I am both elated and petrified and I don’t know why!
I received her Deadbeat stuff so I can give that to her tonight, then I get to see her again tomorrow, you see I am on night shift and she is doing a late then an early, capping both ends of my shift.
We have chatted a little via e-mail, nothing encouraging but I am nothing if I am not persistent. It has been so long since I have seen her, it seems an eternity. In reality I guess a good month? But as I have said a month, a week, a day, a minute too long.
I hope I do not make a fool of myself somehow, I’m good at that. I expect that I shall be caught once again in those glorious eyes of hers, my how it is so hard to look away! I wonder if tonight may tell me something?
Maybe a small message, like an unusually early arrival in the morning? I know it’s sad but when I knew I was taking over from her I would be in a little early for hand over, but maybe that’s just me?
Aside from this a great weight has been lifted from my shoulders, soon I will be moving from this backwater of humanity I live in. Then I can start to invite people over, something I have avoided here. Start really networking, have her and friends over while he is away as he is sure to do.
God I hate hoping for ones misfortune to befall them, for my own benefit. It’s unkind and not, I guess ‘right’, worst of all for this to happen my beloved has to go through heartache. That I simply don’t want! What can I do, catch 22.

AJ

Could there be hope?

The eternal question, just when I think that I may never hear from her or see her again something happens. I heard from her yesterday, a sudden bolt from the blue that struck my very heart with an ecstasy that is hard to imagine.
It was just a short message about an endeavour I have undertaken for her, not much of one but anything I can do for her is pure pleasure. A friend publishes a magazine, car culture, my world.
I lent it to her a while ago and she was instantly taken with the mag that she wants to borrow it again. Yeah I know its kind-a pathetic that I’m excited over this but it affords me an opportunity to see her, to look once again into to those gorgeous azure pools of delight as we talk. Even with that simple thought my hands tremble and my chest swells.
So I have attempted to gain her a subscription to the mag. Like I said, anything, absolutely anything for her. Also scored her a T shirt from the mag so I’m trying to work my way up to her little by little. I know material things are not the ideal way to do that but it’s a start.
She told me that her relationship is a bit rocky now, it surprised me that when I read that I was saddened buy it. I would rather see her happy, even if it is without me. Strange as it sounds I just don’t want her to go through the heart ache of a break up even if that opens up a possible future ‘in’ for me.
I just couldn’t stand the thought of her hurting like that. Should the worst happen all I want to do would be to take her in my arms and comfort her, to take away the hurt she will feel.
How conflicted can one be, I want her so badly for myself it infringes in every aspect of my life but still I can’t bear to the thought of her suffering the pain of splitting up.
If he is a smart man he will drop whatever he does like a hot potato so he can hold onto the greatest woman I have ever meet.
This is what she said,
‘My other half gets back on thurs for 5days then takes off again for 2wks, then comes back for good...for now anyway?! I told him Im out if he keeps going away and he understands so we'll see..fingers crossed!!’

Oh god I want her in my life, though I want her to be happy, should I hope that they break up? If I do I feel like such a terrible person.
Well that’s it for now,
Should you happen to ever read this I love you with all my being.
Whatever happens now I am riding on that cloud of supreme ecstasy from just hearing from you, please, please let me in.

Sea of Confusion.

I find myself adrift in a sea of confusion, this confusion made by my own foolishness.
Such a fool am I for falling for this woman, as soon as I realised these feelings were growing so strong for her I tried to fight them and I fought hard. I didn’t want them; I didn’t want to go through exactly what I am suffering.
I didn’t want to feel this pain so I fought to keep them away.
I failed.
It’s my own fault, I found out a long time ago she was seeing someone, as I was told it was ‘off and on’ I thopught there may still be a chance. Unfortunately I discovered just recently it has been more on than off.

What a terrible stake to have driven through my heart.

I knew all along that she may simply choose him as the right man and start a full time relationship, the fool I am kept quiet and that is exactly what happened. I feel like I want to cry honestly, I wish I could.

It was such a thin veneer that kept me from her, so thin, so clear
and translucent, so fragile that a single word of love could break it down.
A single, simple word that I could not utter.

Instead I have felt sadness and anger, such anger at myself for letting my feelings and my own failings drive me into this purgatory. It has affected me badly; at work I am short with other people and patients. I found I just want to sit alone and wallow in this pain, sit there and will it to leave me.

Is it time for me to move on my way? Should I try to move on? Should I talk to her, maybe she would at least listen? I don’t know what to do; I am so confused in my emotions right now.
I guess I know what I should do, but I am still driven by my feelings so strongly I can’t bear to let go. I feel so much for her that I could not even consider the thought of another woman. How long do have to wait until I can let go? Well, who knows? Would it be years like my last love? Am I going to be this wreckage of a man for that long again?
How I wish I could just find the time and place where we could sit and talk. Free myself of these thoughts, probably she would take it all in, say thank you but goodbye and that would be it forever. Is it even fair to ‘unload’ this burden of mine onto her? Would she even care?

So many questions, so few answers.

I still find she inspires me to write about my love for her, if I were a good writer I guess I could happily write about her for the rest of my life. Live with her in my mind and on the page.


What do I need to do, for you to see me, take my hand?
If I said take my hand come with me, would you go?
If I could take you to a castle white in the sky, would you go?
If I could have servants bustle at your beck and call, would you go?
If I could give you a life of luxury unrivalled, would you go?
If I could take you to a mountain top and call out my ever true love, would you go?
If I said that all there is, all I am, all there will be lies with you, would you go?
If I fell to my knees in and laid my heart before you, would you go?
If I could tell you exactly how I felt for you, you would go.


Clearly I ask too much of this life. To just hold you in my arms once and tell you of this covet, how my day is lit from dawn to dusk by you. How the night is only tolerable with the simple thought of you, that living itself I endure only for the thought of you.

How can this be so,
How did you do this to me.
I fought my heart so,
And still I fell for you.
On my knees I pray,
For your eyes to see me.

Without you, what is there? Until the day you tell me no I can not help
but hold you up on this pedestal where you belong and worship at your
altar and dream of a day we may be together.

Being alone has been tormenting me so,
Since I meet you girl, you stole my heart.
Stole my soul and my very being.
But with another man you lay,
Oblivious to me, blind to my love.
So please keep my heart and soul,
Use them as your play thing for I need them no more.
Without that these anchors, my heart, my soul.
This I dream will pass and,

this hurt will be no more.

Purgatory

Again I sit here and time passes by so slow. A day seems like a month a week a year.
I long to see her so badly, to talk to her but how?
How do I find a reason to call her?
What would I say?
‘Hey babe, just thought I would tell you that my life without you in it is a hollow shell and I find it hard to go on’......
Somehow I think that wouldn’t work.
I miss her so bad I want to talk with her, to tell her just how I feel. But then I’m scared, yup, scared.
Do I send an anonymous letter? I think that would be a little scary for her really If I simply launched into what I have written she would run for the hills, but then how do I let her know how I feel? I guess I need to let her know that she inspires me to write like this.
That it’s not simply the usual male one tracked mind thing.
How do I tell he that I love the things she says,
I love the way she thinks,
I love her intellect,
I love that when she talks it is always worth listening to,
I love the simple sound of her voice,
I love the small things, the way she moves, I mean how can a woman make the act of taking a blood pressure so attractive?
I love absolutely those little 'crinkles' at the edge of her eyes when she smiles.
I love, totally and completely LOVE her eyes. Yes I have said it before but they are stunning, even the thought of them brings a smile to my face, to gaze into them sheer ecstasy.
Just seeing her there one night while she read a patient file, the humanity you see in someone when they think no one is looking is so exquisite in her.
That looking into those magnificent eyes of hers instantly takes me to a better place.
That I feel a connection with her that I have never felt before, like I have known her forever.
I guess it also doesn’t hurt that she also happens to be the most beautiful woman I have ever meet.
But how do I do that? How do I do it without making her think I’m a crazy stalker?
Bottom line is I want to tell her so badly but I am scared of the, in my mind inevitable rejection. The ’that’s so sweet but let’s be friends’.
Am I too heavily invested in this? I just don’t know what to do, where to go.
Should I simply let her read all of this?
I need help.

AJ.

A downfall

I was sitting on the bus just the other day thinking, I guess it’s the eternal question that all men seek an answer too.

How do we work out a woman?

I spent such a long time learning about the Human body for my job, anatomy and physiology and what not.

I know how a heart works so why can’t I work out her’s?

How do I find the words that could melt her heart?

How do I even approach her?

It was a strange realisation that it has been so long since I have even wanted to approach a woman that I simply have no idea what to do anymore! This was sort of thing was easy once, but then again much of the time I was not so ‘invested’ in the outcome.
Now I find I’m scared to be alone. For the longest time being alone hasn’t worried me, that is until she walked into my life. Now it is a torment to be without her that I am struggling to endure.
I guess I simply need to ‘man up’ and talk to her, tell her just what she means to me, how extraordinary she is. Lay it all on the line as they say.
Heh, just the thought of telling her has my heart racing and my hands trembling. Could I endure the pain if she turns me away?
I don’t know.
I have never felt such tumultuous desire, such a deep yearning and dare I say it, Love for a woman. Oh, how I yearn for her loving embrace, that subtle touch on the depths of my mind.
Yes it is true, I have fallen and never wish to return.

I want you, I long for you.
I dream of you in my esoteric world,
I desire so, to speak my mind,
This revelation of my soul,
To tell of the thrill that lifts my spirit,
And sores so high to touch the heavens,
Oh how I feel, this tumultuous heartfelt anguish,
This ecstasy of desire,
But I find no way to say
With this pathetic feeble mind,
Just what you are to me,
Oh how I long to know if you may feel this way?
If there is any room for me in your heart?
I won’t take much space,
I won’t try to overwhelm,
It is just me,
Only me.

I feel you out there, with such an aching heart I know you are near and yet so far from me. You are the summer of my world.
AJ.

Retrospective

No poetry this time, a little refrain on life and past mates...

I do a lot of reading, always have 5 or 6 books on the go. I have noticed recently, at least over the last few years that a lot of books are coming out written by people I know! I always pick them up, most are a happy trip down memory lane, some not so.

I picked up a book that is a recent release while I was out shopping the other day buy a guy I served with, Keith, one serious young man when I knew him. I sat down in Borders to have a quick flick through it. I found I got a little engrossed in the book and sat there reading for a while, story about the rigours some of us went through to serve where we did.

I was surprised to find I had tears in my eyes! In the middle of a book shop, so many memories flooded back in, in such quick succession. Cadre, the guys on Reo, then the inevitable losses. The pain of losing so many mates.

It bought home how lucky I was to make it out and yet I still long to be back there. Is that crazy? Do yourself a favour and look for some books by these people,

Narelle Biedermann, both ‘Tears on my Pillow’ and ‘Modern Military Heroes’.

I still remember Narelle as a young Nursing officer, she became a good officer. The Heroes book I have trouble reading, I guess if you read this Blog and the book you would see why.

Brian Corrigan, ‘In Harm’s Way’, a good insight into the life of a private operator outside of the Army.

And last,

Keith Fennell, both ‘Warrior Brothers’ and the book I mentioned earlier ‘Warrior Training’. What more can I say? There still are truly great people left in the world, these are some of them. Please support they who offered so much for your liberty.

AJ.