It’s been a long time since I last posted, too long. It’s not that I am losing interest or the ‘novelty’ is wearing off its, well, its despair.
Yes I got to see her again for a brief time, often we remember someone a little more idyllic than they are. I realised that she is still a much more wonderful person than I had in my mind’s eye. I got to give her the ‘Deadbeat’ gear, man I wish I could see her in the T-shirt, just the thought and I am melting!
The despair comes from the long time since I last saw her and the uncertainty of when I will see her again. I heard she was very ill recently, not often do I feel scared about anything but to hear of her illness all I wanted to do was take her in my arms and nurse her back to health, I wanted to sit by her bed 24 hours a day until she got better.
Instead I am powerless to help, relegated to messages of sympathy on Facebook. Oh how impotent it makes one feel!
I think I can safely say I love this woman, I thought once before I was in love but now these feelings are so much stronger than ever before. What should I do? I am trying to ‘clean my act up’ you know ‘get it together’ so my life may be a little more attractive. I have been so focused that without trying I have lost so much weight that most of my clothes no longer fit me. I had to buy a new belt as my work pants are so loose I can fit both arms down the front with them done up. I have shortened the belt by about 8-9 inches so it will fit me and I need to shorten it again.
This woman has such a power over me that I have no control of my body’s function! Of its own accord it is loosing weight for her, all I can think of is staring into those superb eyes and nothing else is important any more.
She is still my inspiration to write, though I can’t say I have come up with much that is any good lately. I need to see her again, maybe some early issues of deadbeat are in order?
Hmm, maybe, maybe indeed!
AJ
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Tonight
Tonight.
I get to see her tonight.
I am both elated and petrified and I don’t know why!
I received her Deadbeat stuff so I can give that to her tonight, then I get to see her again tomorrow, you see I am on night shift and she is doing a late then an early, capping both ends of my shift.
We have chatted a little via e-mail, nothing encouraging but I am nothing if I am not persistent. It has been so long since I have seen her, it seems an eternity. In reality I guess a good month? But as I have said a month, a week, a day, a minute too long.
I hope I do not make a fool of myself somehow, I’m good at that. I expect that I shall be caught once again in those glorious eyes of hers, my how it is so hard to look away! I wonder if tonight may tell me something?
Maybe a small message, like an unusually early arrival in the morning? I know it’s sad but when I knew I was taking over from her I would be in a little early for hand over, but maybe that’s just me?
Aside from this a great weight has been lifted from my shoulders, soon I will be moving from this backwater of humanity I live in. Then I can start to invite people over, something I have avoided here. Start really networking, have her and friends over while he is away as he is sure to do.
God I hate hoping for ones misfortune to befall them, for my own benefit. It’s unkind and not, I guess ‘right’, worst of all for this to happen my beloved has to go through heartache. That I simply don’t want! What can I do, catch 22.
AJ
I get to see her tonight.
I am both elated and petrified and I don’t know why!
I received her Deadbeat stuff so I can give that to her tonight, then I get to see her again tomorrow, you see I am on night shift and she is doing a late then an early, capping both ends of my shift.
We have chatted a little via e-mail, nothing encouraging but I am nothing if I am not persistent. It has been so long since I have seen her, it seems an eternity. In reality I guess a good month? But as I have said a month, a week, a day, a minute too long.
I hope I do not make a fool of myself somehow, I’m good at that. I expect that I shall be caught once again in those glorious eyes of hers, my how it is so hard to look away! I wonder if tonight may tell me something?
Maybe a small message, like an unusually early arrival in the morning? I know it’s sad but when I knew I was taking over from her I would be in a little early for hand over, but maybe that’s just me?
Aside from this a great weight has been lifted from my shoulders, soon I will be moving from this backwater of humanity I live in. Then I can start to invite people over, something I have avoided here. Start really networking, have her and friends over while he is away as he is sure to do.
God I hate hoping for ones misfortune to befall them, for my own benefit. It’s unkind and not, I guess ‘right’, worst of all for this to happen my beloved has to go through heartache. That I simply don’t want! What can I do, catch 22.
AJ
Monday, November 16, 2009
Could there be hope?
The eternal question, just when I think that I may never hear from her or see her again something happens. I heard from her yesterday, a sudden bolt from the blue that struck my very heart with an ecstasy that is hard to imagine.
It was just a short message about an endeavour I have undertaken for her, not much of one but anything I can do for her is pure pleasure. A friend publishes a magazine, car culture, my world.
I lent it to her a while ago and she was instantly taken with the mag that she wants to borrow it again. Yeah I know its kind-a pathetic that I’m excited over this but it affords me an opportunity to see her, to look once again into to those gorgeous azure pools of delight as we talk. Even with that simple thought my hands tremble and my chest swells.
So I have attempted to gain her a subscription to the mag. Like I said, anything, absolutely anything for her. Also scored her a T shirt from the mag so I’m trying to work my way up to her little by little. I know material things are not the ideal way to do that but it’s a start.
She told me that her relationship is a bit rocky now, it surprised me that when I read that I was saddened buy it. I would rather see her happy, even if it is without me. Strange as it sounds I just don’t want her to go through the heart ache of a break up even if that opens up a possible future ‘in’ for me.
I just couldn’t stand the thought of her hurting like that. Should the worst happen all I want to do would be to take her in my arms and comfort her, to take away the hurt she will feel.
How conflicted can one be, I want her so badly for myself it infringes in every aspect of my life but still I can’t bear to the thought of her suffering the pain of splitting up.
If he is a smart man he will drop whatever he does like a hot potato so he can hold onto the greatest woman I have ever meet.
This is what she said,
‘My other half gets back on thurs for 5days then takes off again for 2wks, then comes back for good...for now anyway?! I told him Im out if he keeps going away and he understands so we'll see..fingers crossed!!’
Oh god I want her in my life, though I want her to be happy, should I hope that they break up? If I do I feel like such a terrible person.
Well that’s it for now,
Should you happen to ever read this I love you with all my being.
Whatever happens now I am riding on that cloud of supreme ecstasy from just hearing from you, please, please let me in.
It was just a short message about an endeavour I have undertaken for her, not much of one but anything I can do for her is pure pleasure. A friend publishes a magazine, car culture, my world.
I lent it to her a while ago and she was instantly taken with the mag that she wants to borrow it again. Yeah I know its kind-a pathetic that I’m excited over this but it affords me an opportunity to see her, to look once again into to those gorgeous azure pools of delight as we talk. Even with that simple thought my hands tremble and my chest swells.
So I have attempted to gain her a subscription to the mag. Like I said, anything, absolutely anything for her. Also scored her a T shirt from the mag so I’m trying to work my way up to her little by little. I know material things are not the ideal way to do that but it’s a start.
She told me that her relationship is a bit rocky now, it surprised me that when I read that I was saddened buy it. I would rather see her happy, even if it is without me. Strange as it sounds I just don’t want her to go through the heart ache of a break up even if that opens up a possible future ‘in’ for me.
I just couldn’t stand the thought of her hurting like that. Should the worst happen all I want to do would be to take her in my arms and comfort her, to take away the hurt she will feel.
How conflicted can one be, I want her so badly for myself it infringes in every aspect of my life but still I can’t bear to the thought of her suffering the pain of splitting up.
If he is a smart man he will drop whatever he does like a hot potato so he can hold onto the greatest woman I have ever meet.
This is what she said,
‘My other half gets back on thurs for 5days then takes off again for 2wks, then comes back for good...for now anyway?! I told him Im out if he keeps going away and he understands so we'll see..fingers crossed!!’
Oh god I want her in my life, though I want her to be happy, should I hope that they break up? If I do I feel like such a terrible person.
Well that’s it for now,
Should you happen to ever read this I love you with all my being.
Whatever happens now I am riding on that cloud of supreme ecstasy from just hearing from you, please, please let me in.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Sea of Confusion.
I find myself adrift in a sea of confusion, this confusion made by my own foolishness.
Such a fool am I for falling for this woman, as soon as I realised these feelings were growing so strong for her I tried to fight them and I fought hard. I didn’t want them; I didn’t want to go through exactly what I am suffering.
I didn’t want to feel this pain so I fought to keep them away.
I failed.
It’s my own fault, I found out a long time ago she was seeing someone, as I was told it was ‘off and on’ I thopught there may still be a chance. Unfortunately I discovered just recently it has been more on than off.
What a terrible stake to have driven through my heart.
I knew all along that she may simply choose him as the right man and start a full time relationship, the fool I am kept quiet and that is exactly what happened. I feel like I want to cry honestly, I wish I could.
It was such a thin veneer that kept me from her, so thin, so clear
and translucent, so fragile that a single word of love could break it down.
A single, simple word that I could not utter.
Instead I have felt sadness and anger, such anger at myself for letting my feelings and my own failings drive me into this purgatory. It has affected me badly; at work I am short with other people and patients. I found I just want to sit alone and wallow in this pain, sit there and will it to leave me.
Is it time for me to move on my way? Should I try to move on? Should I talk to her, maybe she would at least listen? I don’t know what to do; I am so confused in my emotions right now.
I guess I know what I should do, but I am still driven by my feelings so strongly I can’t bear to let go. I feel so much for her that I could not even consider the thought of another woman. How long do have to wait until I can let go? Well, who knows? Would it be years like my last love? Am I going to be this wreckage of a man for that long again?
How I wish I could just find the time and place where we could sit and talk. Free myself of these thoughts, probably she would take it all in, say thank you but goodbye and that would be it forever. Is it even fair to ‘unload’ this burden of mine onto her? Would she even care?
So many questions, so few answers.
I still find she inspires me to write about my love for her, if I were a good writer I guess I could happily write about her for the rest of my life. Live with her in my mind and on the page.
What do I need to do, for you to see me, take my hand?
If I said take my hand come with me, would you go?
If I could take you to a castle white in the sky, would you go?
If I could have servants bustle at your beck and call, would you go?
If I could give you a life of luxury unrivalled, would you go?
If I could take you to a mountain top and call out my ever true love, would you go?
If I said that all there is, all I am, all there will be lies with you, would you go?
If I fell to my knees in and laid my heart before you, would you go?
If I could tell you exactly how I felt for you, you would go.
Clearly I ask too much of this life. To just hold you in my arms once and tell you of this covet, how my day is lit from dawn to dusk by you. How the night is only tolerable with the simple thought of you, that living itself I endure only for the thought of you.
How can this be so,
How did you do this to me.
I fought my heart so,
And still I fell for you.
On my knees I pray,
For your eyes to see me.
Such a fool am I for falling for this woman, as soon as I realised these feelings were growing so strong for her I tried to fight them and I fought hard. I didn’t want them; I didn’t want to go through exactly what I am suffering.
I didn’t want to feel this pain so I fought to keep them away.
I failed.
It’s my own fault, I found out a long time ago she was seeing someone, as I was told it was ‘off and on’ I thopught there may still be a chance. Unfortunately I discovered just recently it has been more on than off.
What a terrible stake to have driven through my heart.
I knew all along that she may simply choose him as the right man and start a full time relationship, the fool I am kept quiet and that is exactly what happened. I feel like I want to cry honestly, I wish I could.
It was such a thin veneer that kept me from her, so thin, so clear
and translucent, so fragile that a single word of love could break it down.
A single, simple word that I could not utter.
Instead I have felt sadness and anger, such anger at myself for letting my feelings and my own failings drive me into this purgatory. It has affected me badly; at work I am short with other people and patients. I found I just want to sit alone and wallow in this pain, sit there and will it to leave me.
Is it time for me to move on my way? Should I try to move on? Should I talk to her, maybe she would at least listen? I don’t know what to do; I am so confused in my emotions right now.
I guess I know what I should do, but I am still driven by my feelings so strongly I can’t bear to let go. I feel so much for her that I could not even consider the thought of another woman. How long do have to wait until I can let go? Well, who knows? Would it be years like my last love? Am I going to be this wreckage of a man for that long again?
How I wish I could just find the time and place where we could sit and talk. Free myself of these thoughts, probably she would take it all in, say thank you but goodbye and that would be it forever. Is it even fair to ‘unload’ this burden of mine onto her? Would she even care?
So many questions, so few answers.
I still find she inspires me to write about my love for her, if I were a good writer I guess I could happily write about her for the rest of my life. Live with her in my mind and on the page.
What do I need to do, for you to see me, take my hand?
If I said take my hand come with me, would you go?
If I could take you to a castle white in the sky, would you go?
If I could have servants bustle at your beck and call, would you go?
If I could give you a life of luxury unrivalled, would you go?
If I could take you to a mountain top and call out my ever true love, would you go?
If I said that all there is, all I am, all there will be lies with you, would you go?
If I fell to my knees in and laid my heart before you, would you go?
If I could tell you exactly how I felt for you, you would go.
Clearly I ask too much of this life. To just hold you in my arms once and tell you of this covet, how my day is lit from dawn to dusk by you. How the night is only tolerable with the simple thought of you, that living itself I endure only for the thought of you.
How can this be so,
How did you do this to me.
I fought my heart so,
And still I fell for you.
On my knees I pray,
For your eyes to see me.
Without you, what is there? Until the day you tell me no I can not help
but hold you up on this pedestal where you belong and worship at your
altar and dream of a day we may be together.
Being alone has been tormenting me so,
Since I meet you girl, you stole my heart.
Stole my soul and my very being.
But with another man you lay,
Oblivious to me, blind to my love.
So please keep my heart and soul,
Use them as your play thing for I need them no more.
Without that these anchors, my heart, my soul.
This I dream will pass and,
but hold you up on this pedestal where you belong and worship at your
altar and dream of a day we may be together.
Being alone has been tormenting me so,
Since I meet you girl, you stole my heart.
Stole my soul and my very being.
But with another man you lay,
Oblivious to me, blind to my love.
So please keep my heart and soul,
Use them as your play thing for I need them no more.
Without that these anchors, my heart, my soul.
This I dream will pass and,
this hurt will be no more.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Purgatory
Again I sit here and time passes by so slow. A day seems like a month a week a year.
I long to see her so badly, to talk to her but how?
How do I find a reason to call her?
What would I say?
‘Hey babe, just thought I would tell you that my life without you in it is a hollow shell and I find it hard to go on’......
Somehow I think that wouldn’t work.
I miss her so bad I want to talk with her, to tell her just how I feel. But then I’m scared, yup, scared.
Do I send an anonymous letter? I think that would be a little scary for her really If I simply launched into what I have written she would run for the hills, but then how do I let her know how I feel? I guess I need to let her know that she inspires me to write like this.
That it’s not simply the usual male one tracked mind thing.
How do I tell he that I love the things she says,
I love the way she thinks,
I love her intellect,
I love that when she talks it is always worth listening to,
I love the simple sound of her voice,
I love the small things, the way she moves, I mean how can a woman make the act of taking a blood pressure so attractive?
I love absolutely those little 'crinkles' at the edge of her eyes when she smiles.
I love, totally and completely LOVE her eyes. Yes I have said it before but they are stunning, even the thought of them brings a smile to my face, to gaze into them sheer ecstasy.
Just seeing her there one night while she read a patient file, the humanity you see in someone when they think no one is looking is so exquisite in her.
That looking into those magnificent eyes of hers instantly takes me to a better place.
That I feel a connection with her that I have never felt before, like I have known her forever.
I guess it also doesn’t hurt that she also happens to be the most beautiful woman I have ever meet.
But how do I do that? How do I do it without making her think I’m a crazy stalker?
Bottom line is I want to tell her so badly but I am scared of the, in my mind inevitable rejection. The ’that’s so sweet but let’s be friends’.
Am I too heavily invested in this? I just don’t know what to do, where to go.
Should I simply let her read all of this?
I need help.
AJ.
I long to see her so badly, to talk to her but how?
How do I find a reason to call her?
What would I say?
‘Hey babe, just thought I would tell you that my life without you in it is a hollow shell and I find it hard to go on’......
Somehow I think that wouldn’t work.
I miss her so bad I want to talk with her, to tell her just how I feel. But then I’m scared, yup, scared.
Do I send an anonymous letter? I think that would be a little scary for her really If I simply launched into what I have written she would run for the hills, but then how do I let her know how I feel? I guess I need to let her know that she inspires me to write like this.
That it’s not simply the usual male one tracked mind thing.
How do I tell he that I love the things she says,
I love the way she thinks,
I love her intellect,
I love that when she talks it is always worth listening to,
I love the simple sound of her voice,
I love the small things, the way she moves, I mean how can a woman make the act of taking a blood pressure so attractive?
I love absolutely those little 'crinkles' at the edge of her eyes when she smiles.
I love, totally and completely LOVE her eyes. Yes I have said it before but they are stunning, even the thought of them brings a smile to my face, to gaze into them sheer ecstasy.
Just seeing her there one night while she read a patient file, the humanity you see in someone when they think no one is looking is so exquisite in her.
That looking into those magnificent eyes of hers instantly takes me to a better place.
That I feel a connection with her that I have never felt before, like I have known her forever.
I guess it also doesn’t hurt that she also happens to be the most beautiful woman I have ever meet.
But how do I do that? How do I do it without making her think I’m a crazy stalker?
Bottom line is I want to tell her so badly but I am scared of the, in my mind inevitable rejection. The ’that’s so sweet but let’s be friends’.
Am I too heavily invested in this? I just don’t know what to do, where to go.
Should I simply let her read all of this?
I need help.
AJ.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
A downfall
I was sitting on the bus just the other day thinking, I guess it’s the eternal question that all men seek an answer too.
How do we work out a woman?
I spent such a long time learning about the Human body for my job, anatomy and physiology and what not.
I know how a heart works so why can’t I work out her’s?
How do I find the words that could melt her heart?
How do I even approach her?
How do we work out a woman?
I spent such a long time learning about the Human body for my job, anatomy and physiology and what not.
I know how a heart works so why can’t I work out her’s?
How do I find the words that could melt her heart?
How do I even approach her?
It was a strange realisation that it has been so long since I have even wanted to approach a woman that I simply have no idea what to do anymore! This was sort of thing was easy once, but then again much of the time I was not so ‘invested’ in the outcome.
Now I find I’m scared to be alone. For the longest time being alone hasn’t worried me, that is until she walked into my life. Now it is a torment to be without her that I am struggling to endure.
I guess I simply need to ‘man up’ and talk to her, tell her just what she means to me, how extraordinary she is. Lay it all on the line as they say.
Heh, just the thought of telling her has my heart racing and my hands trembling. Could I endure the pain if she turns me away?
I don’t know.
I have never felt such tumultuous desire, such a deep yearning and dare I say it, Love for a woman. Oh, how I yearn for her loving embrace, that subtle touch on the depths of my mind.
Yes it is true, I have fallen and never wish to return.
I want you, I long for you.
I dream of you in my esoteric world,
I desire so, to speak my mind,
This revelation of my soul,
To tell of the thrill that lifts my spirit,
And sores so high to touch the heavens,
Oh how I feel, this tumultuous heartfelt anguish,
This ecstasy of desire,
But I find no way to say
With this pathetic feeble mind,
Just what you are to me,
Oh how I long to know if you may feel this way?
If there is any room for me in your heart?
I won’t take much space,
I won’t try to overwhelm,
It is just me,
Only me.
I feel you out there, with such an aching heart I know you are near and yet so far from me. You are the summer of my world.
AJ.
Retrospective
No poetry this time, a little refrain on life and past mates...
I do a lot of reading, always have 5 or 6 books on the go. I have noticed recently, at least over the last few years that a lot of books are coming out written by people I know! I always pick them up, most are a happy trip down memory lane, some not so.
I picked up a book that is a recent release while I was out shopping the other day buy a guy I served with, Keith, one serious young man when I knew him. I sat down in Borders to have a quick flick through it. I found I got a little engrossed in the book and sat there reading for a while, story about the rigours some of us went through to serve where we did.
I was surprised to find I had tears in my eyes! In the middle of a book shop, so many memories flooded back in, in such quick succession. Cadre, the guys on Reo, then the inevitable losses. The pain of losing so many mates.
It bought home how lucky I was to make it out and yet I still long to be back there. Is that crazy? Do yourself a favour and look for some books by these people,
Narelle Biedermann, both ‘Tears on my Pillow’ and ‘Modern Military Heroes’.
I still remember Narelle as a young Nursing officer, she became a good officer. The Heroes book I have trouble reading, I guess if you read this Blog and the book you would see why.
Brian Corrigan, ‘In Harm’s Way’, a good insight into the life of a private operator outside of the Army.
And last,
Keith Fennell, both ‘Warrior Brothers’ and the book I mentioned earlier ‘Warrior Training’. What more can I say? There still are truly great people left in the world, these are some of them. Please support they who offered so much for your liberty.
AJ.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Something happened at work the other night that really got me thinking about relationships and peoples motivations.
I was sitting there waiting to see the physiotherapist (PhysioTERRORIST!)When one of the doctors stopped by, she chatted for a little while then headed off. So I sat there waiting again, not too long after this same doctor came by again, this time she sat down to talk.
She seemed genuinely interested in what was going on, as we talked she leaned right into my personal space, chatting and ‘giggling’ and smiling a lot. I know I’m slow, because then it hit me! She was trying to chat me up!!
WHAT!..............................ME??....................................
Yup, lill’ old me! I see her most days and she is about the only doctor in the department that will stop and chat if they have time, most of them look down on the workers as a subspecies to do their bidding, you know.... ‘Fly my monkeys’ sort of thing.
It was latter at home that I really started to think about this, I had mentioned it to someone I knew and got what I would guess is the standard answer, ‘Hell a doctor? Go for it!!’, how quaint....
Well she is kind of cute and I find her easy to talk to, she has a wicked sense of humour! But there is just something not there. I have no idea what to call it, or even if it is definable? But there is just an element missing that would make her, the right one?
I pictured her as one does in a relationship with me, thinking just how I would feel holding her hand, with my arm around her, how would I feel in these intimate moments together. I realised that I could be in a relationship with her but it would never be serious.
As much as I do like her there would never be that passion, that burning desire for her. Where every touch from her jolts through you bringing that quick drawing in of breath, where every kiss is like electricity that surges through your soul and makes your head spin, that feeling with your arms around her as butterflies course through your very body, that feeling like without her there is simply no reason to live.
It would just be unfair to this woman, would she give all to a relationship? What would she feel with me still holding out at an arms distance, not fully embracing the relationship? I couldn’t do it to anyone. It’s just wrong to be in a relationship and not be ‘all in’ fully immersed in it.
I guess its passion? True heartfelt, from your soul passion for another?
It has taken me a long time to arrive here, where I realise that this passion is a basic need for a relationship to endure. With these feelings all those little things that can be so frustrating fall by the way. Those little habits that are so annoying in other people become endearing. Everything in the world is bearable.
With this realisation I looked back over the relationships I have had. I can only say I have been the usual unthinking male much of my life. I have had relationships of convenience, of pure sexual desire and even the good old ‘Away with the Army, I’m here, your here let’s do something’.
Maybe I should qualify that last ‘relationship’
The Defence Force relationship.......
It seems that no matter who you are that when you are away with the defence force it is expected that you will ‘pick someone up’ and most do. You are with them for as long as you are there and then normally never see them again. It sounds crass, mainly because it is, but somehow it has become a part of Military culture. Almost all people do it, with the exception of the lucky few that have found what I have been seeking.
But now with this burning passion for her comes another feeling. The one that stops me from saying anything, doing anything.
Am I good enough for her?
I ask this of myself every time I fall for someone. Not that it’s common, I have only had feelings for two women in the last 9 years!
Inevitably I come to the conclusion that I am simply not good enough. I place her high on a pedestal and worship her just as woman should be. I guess I idolise her, in my mind she can do no wrong and I am simply a minion waiting on the side lines.
This has blinded me somewhat , especially with one woman many years ago. I still have those lingering feelings for her but I know not where she is. It was not until I moved away that I realised that she thought of me as I thought of her but my inferiority complex blinded me from it. How could this wonderful woman fall for the likes of me?
So I guess in summary I fall for a woman, idolise her and sabotage any possible relationship at the same time. I find I fall for women who are ‘safe’, not likely to have an interest in me. Maybe it’s a defence mechanism, to avoid getting hurt if I found someone who would let me in?
Well to end here are some more of my musings....
This cold reaches my despair,
When the sky clouds dark.
And the stars fall by,
I dream of sunshine.
For my life gone bye,
I have sat in wait.
For the night of my day,
To be lit by the warmth,
Of your hearts gentle touch.
How I yearn for the feel of your body against mine,
A tingle down my spine, from your gentle touch.
Butterflies to swarm within my soul,
A swelling in my chest as my heart pounds so.
The lure of your sweet scent, intoxicating and pure,
To make my mind swim as I hold you tight.
Then I would wish to myself we will never part.
I was sitting there waiting to see the physiotherapist (PhysioTERRORIST!)When one of the doctors stopped by, she chatted for a little while then headed off. So I sat there waiting again, not too long after this same doctor came by again, this time she sat down to talk.
She seemed genuinely interested in what was going on, as we talked she leaned right into my personal space, chatting and ‘giggling’ and smiling a lot. I know I’m slow, because then it hit me! She was trying to chat me up!!
WHAT!..............................ME??....................................
Yup, lill’ old me! I see her most days and she is about the only doctor in the department that will stop and chat if they have time, most of them look down on the workers as a subspecies to do their bidding, you know.... ‘Fly my monkeys’ sort of thing.
It was latter at home that I really started to think about this, I had mentioned it to someone I knew and got what I would guess is the standard answer, ‘Hell a doctor? Go for it!!’, how quaint....
Well she is kind of cute and I find her easy to talk to, she has a wicked sense of humour! But there is just something not there. I have no idea what to call it, or even if it is definable? But there is just an element missing that would make her, the right one?
I pictured her as one does in a relationship with me, thinking just how I would feel holding her hand, with my arm around her, how would I feel in these intimate moments together. I realised that I could be in a relationship with her but it would never be serious.
As much as I do like her there would never be that passion, that burning desire for her. Where every touch from her jolts through you bringing that quick drawing in of breath, where every kiss is like electricity that surges through your soul and makes your head spin, that feeling with your arms around her as butterflies course through your very body, that feeling like without her there is simply no reason to live.
It would just be unfair to this woman, would she give all to a relationship? What would she feel with me still holding out at an arms distance, not fully embracing the relationship? I couldn’t do it to anyone. It’s just wrong to be in a relationship and not be ‘all in’ fully immersed in it.
I guess its passion? True heartfelt, from your soul passion for another?
It has taken me a long time to arrive here, where I realise that this passion is a basic need for a relationship to endure. With these feelings all those little things that can be so frustrating fall by the way. Those little habits that are so annoying in other people become endearing. Everything in the world is bearable.
With this realisation I looked back over the relationships I have had. I can only say I have been the usual unthinking male much of my life. I have had relationships of convenience, of pure sexual desire and even the good old ‘Away with the Army, I’m here, your here let’s do something’.
Maybe I should qualify that last ‘relationship’
The Defence Force relationship.......
It seems that no matter who you are that when you are away with the defence force it is expected that you will ‘pick someone up’ and most do. You are with them for as long as you are there and then normally never see them again. It sounds crass, mainly because it is, but somehow it has become a part of Military culture. Almost all people do it, with the exception of the lucky few that have found what I have been seeking.
But now with this burning passion for her comes another feeling. The one that stops me from saying anything, doing anything.
Am I good enough for her?
I ask this of myself every time I fall for someone. Not that it’s common, I have only had feelings for two women in the last 9 years!
Inevitably I come to the conclusion that I am simply not good enough. I place her high on a pedestal and worship her just as woman should be. I guess I idolise her, in my mind she can do no wrong and I am simply a minion waiting on the side lines.
This has blinded me somewhat , especially with one woman many years ago. I still have those lingering feelings for her but I know not where she is. It was not until I moved away that I realised that she thought of me as I thought of her but my inferiority complex blinded me from it. How could this wonderful woman fall for the likes of me?
So I guess in summary I fall for a woman, idolise her and sabotage any possible relationship at the same time. I find I fall for women who are ‘safe’, not likely to have an interest in me. Maybe it’s a defence mechanism, to avoid getting hurt if I found someone who would let me in?
Well to end here are some more of my musings....
This cold reaches my despair,
When the sky clouds dark.
And the stars fall by,
I dream of sunshine.
For my life gone bye,
I have sat in wait.
For the night of my day,
To be lit by the warmth,
Of your hearts gentle touch.
How I yearn for the feel of your body against mine,
A tingle down my spine, from your gentle touch.
Butterflies to swarm within my soul,
A swelling in my chest as my heart pounds so.
The lure of your sweet scent, intoxicating and pure,
To make my mind swim as I hold you tight.
Then I would wish to myself we will never part.
AJ.
Monday, October 5, 2009
More than a week now, it seems like so much more. She still fills my thoughts every minute of every day. At work I am haunted by her memory, how I long to see you again.
Just a week, this is too long.
It was a day I fell to my knees, let this anguish cry loud.
I don't know why bit it seems like I have known her for ever, she is so comfortable to be around like your best friend......
In the darkness, when the world was new,
Still lost.
AJ
Just a week, this is too long.
It was a day I fell to my knees, let this anguish cry loud.
My soul lay at your feet, a victim of your eyes.
Clear summer eyes that did not see, those eyes that took me.
The good byes you said without intent, no tear like mine to fall.
You left my world, such turmoil, heartache, sad anguish as you go.
This adoring heart of mine left desolate and alone.
I don't know why bit it seems like I have known her for ever, she is so comfortable to be around like your best friend......
In the darkness, when the world was new,
When a young earth began, my soul knew you.
As time and age went past, I searched for you,
Now I find you again, a new sun lights the world.
My soul calls for you, do you remember me,
Can you hear this call, or do you shun my voice.
Together we can be king and queen of all that is,
For all eternity we are meant to be as one.
Still lost.
AJ
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Realisation
I just had a flash of reality, I opened a picture of the one I write about and realised she is much to good looking to consider me. I think I have said it before, not only out of my league but playing a completely different game!
Its not a nice thing to work this out. I guess there will be more dark poetry?
While Im here I want to post up a poem by a guy Scott Nichols. I dont know him but Pauley Pereett sent this to me. We used to chat online untill he got herself a stalker. She changed everything, I guess I was just one of her multitude of fans......
IN THE PLAYGROUNDby Scott NicholsI
AmDisposable, reusable, I am treasured,
I am throw away
a sea of concrete and waves of overpasses;
the never ending road
waydrug induced, impaired, involved;
strung out like signs along the highway
the one in charge
the man with a gunand things will go my way
the tear that paths your cheekfor the followers who'll be cried
hammer in hand, splinter in eye
the double crosser and the crucified
the catastrophe on the 5 o'clock news;
the slowly dying and the mangledthe knot in the rope
in your lifeline of hopeand I cannot be untangled
the bottle floating in the currents
with the secret to success
your crackling thirstand your cannabalistic hunger
all alone in my wilderness
the light that calls the curiousto their hot and voltaged answer
the slow gnawing of your weaking bones
the malignancy of cancer
the finger that flicked the gasblowing kisses perfumed with death
burned and dispersed in the wintry air
by the chimney's smoky breath
the twists in your guts and the pain in your legs
the moment your race has begun
the gravelly voice on the end of the line
with news of the death of a loved one
Death beneath a forgotten cemetery
where you're about to break ground
I'm a beam of darkness
Mean as children
And you are in my playground.
- Scott Nichols
Its not a nice thing to work this out. I guess there will be more dark poetry?
While Im here I want to post up a poem by a guy Scott Nichols. I dont know him but Pauley Pereett sent this to me. We used to chat online untill he got herself a stalker. She changed everything, I guess I was just one of her multitude of fans......
IN THE PLAYGROUNDby Scott NicholsI
AmDisposable, reusable, I am treasured,
I am throw away
a sea of concrete and waves of overpasses;
the never ending road
waydrug induced, impaired, involved;
strung out like signs along the highway
the one in charge
the man with a gunand things will go my way
the tear that paths your cheekfor the followers who'll be cried
hammer in hand, splinter in eye
the double crosser and the crucified
the catastrophe on the 5 o'clock news;
the slowly dying and the mangledthe knot in the rope
in your lifeline of hopeand I cannot be untangled
the bottle floating in the currents
with the secret to success
your crackling thirstand your cannabalistic hunger
all alone in my wilderness
the light that calls the curiousto their hot and voltaged answer
the slow gnawing of your weaking bones
the malignancy of cancer
the finger that flicked the gasblowing kisses perfumed with death
burned and dispersed in the wintry air
by the chimney's smoky breath
the twists in your guts and the pain in your legs
the moment your race has begun
the gravelly voice on the end of the line
with news of the death of a loved one
Death beneath a forgotten cemetery
where you're about to break ground
I'm a beam of darkness
Mean as children
And you are in my playground.
- Scott Nichols
I would rather go blind, than see you walk away.
Thank you Etta James for those words, they hold a truth that almost scares me.
This is the last week, then she is gone out of my life. I don’t think I will see her again before she goes. They say parting is such sweet sorrow, but I just cant see that.
With such sorrow filled thoughts I have found motivation to write prolifically. My ‘writers block’ has gone.
So here is a small sample.
My heart only knows you,
All others fall away, I see them not,
Every hour, every minute I think of you.
In a crowded room we are alone,
As one by one, all others fade away.
Somehow you tricked my heart,
For now it can see you only, only you.
You walk away from me, such sorrow comes down,
Like nights velvet curtain, turns my world to black.
I have known your soul since the start of time,
Perpetual desire will stand for all time.
So empty my life until I saw you
Then in your eyes I found my life returned to me.
Without knowing you saved my soul,
Now anguish as you turn your back.
Did you see me, could you feel this way,
As you walk away I reach for you.
To stop these storm clouds from gathering around my heart
Please don’t go, stay here just so I can see you.
Even if you never feel for me, I will live happily,
Just to see smile, your eyes, to hear your voice.
Oh how I wish you wouldn’t go, out of my life,
Take with you my soul, for I need it no more.
It belongs to you, keep it and do with it what you will.
I think I should say something about my spelling, from time to time I will get one or two words wrong. Sometimes my thoughts spill out so fast its all I can do to get it down before it fades from my memory. So be kind.
Aj
This is the last week, then she is gone out of my life. I don’t think I will see her again before she goes. They say parting is such sweet sorrow, but I just cant see that.
With such sorrow filled thoughts I have found motivation to write prolifically. My ‘writers block’ has gone.
So here is a small sample.
My heart only knows you,
All others fall away, I see them not,
Every hour, every minute I think of you.
In a crowded room we are alone,
As one by one, all others fade away.
Somehow you tricked my heart,
For now it can see you only, only you.
You walk away from me, such sorrow comes down,
Like nights velvet curtain, turns my world to black.
I have known your soul since the start of time,
Perpetual desire will stand for all time.
So empty my life until I saw you
Then in your eyes I found my life returned to me.
Without knowing you saved my soul,
Now anguish as you turn your back.
Did you see me, could you feel this way,
As you walk away I reach for you.
To stop these storm clouds from gathering around my heart
Please don’t go, stay here just so I can see you.
Even if you never feel for me, I will live happily,
Just to see smile, your eyes, to hear your voice.
Oh how I wish you wouldn’t go, out of my life,
Take with you my soul, for I need it no more.
It belongs to you, keep it and do with it what you will.
I think I should say something about my spelling, from time to time I will get one or two words wrong. Sometimes my thoughts spill out so fast its all I can do to get it down before it fades from my memory. So be kind.
Aj
Friday, September 25, 2009
So I have been trying to write.
Trying so very hard but nothing will come out.
Sitting here I have stared at the screen, I have walked for hours and sat with pen an paper but nothing comes.
Is this it? Has the only light in my soul finally died?
I just cant get anything out that makes any sense, not that I was any good at writing but I could occasionally blunder my way through a verse.
And now......
Nothing.
I couldn't think straight so I went out to spend some mindless time at the movies. Not much playing at all, so I see '500 Days of Summer', my first clue not to go see this movie was huge, in fact it stares right back at me in its very title.
Though with the usual male incompetence I wander off anyway. Now Zooey Deschanel is a draw card, quite an attractive woman. As it turns out she has beautiful eyes almost as stunning as 'her'. Serious, I have written some terrible poetry about 'her' eyes, such azure pools of quaint desire.
See.
Its a movie about unrequited love, just what I needed. Its odd that I identified so much with the lead character, he is in a relationship with his love. Me? I'm to scared to say anything to mine that is even close to being about a relationship. I keep coming up with things like this...
Women like you don’t exist in my world,
You’re just an image, sent to torment,
An occasional laps, you fall to me,
And I see your warmth intimacy.
Then you’re gone and I am alone,
To dream of you, in my darkened world.
See, pathetic. Again I just cant get the emotion I feel into anything.
I understand what it is like to be so intensely, emotionally involved with someone who does not reciprocate the feelings. Women like to think they have the market cornered in emotion, I'm sorry to say that is just not true. We men (Well some of us) have quite deep feelings, honest.
Though I so very much wish that I could be like most other guys and never really let anything in, or out. Life would be so much easier.
I 'feel' some things so strong that six years after my last relationship I still thought of her daily.
Now it is going to be 'her' I think of so much in the future even without having been IN a relationship?
Damn, I am so messed up right now.
Cant think, cant eat, cant sleep............ what to do.
Alone I sit and watch the dark envelop
I watch intently, beckoning the cold night
Dare the shadows to move, take shape
The quiet to be lost on a whisper
A terrible horror lay in wait, reaches out
Alone it takes me, never to see again.
Maybe I just don't belong in this world? One of those occasional screw ups nature throw out there?
God I wish all I thought about was sports, beer, and my mates.
AJ.
Trying so very hard but nothing will come out.
Sitting here I have stared at the screen, I have walked for hours and sat with pen an paper but nothing comes.
Is this it? Has the only light in my soul finally died?
I just cant get anything out that makes any sense, not that I was any good at writing but I could occasionally blunder my way through a verse.
And now......
Nothing.
I couldn't think straight so I went out to spend some mindless time at the movies. Not much playing at all, so I see '500 Days of Summer', my first clue not to go see this movie was huge, in fact it stares right back at me in its very title.
Though with the usual male incompetence I wander off anyway. Now Zooey Deschanel is a draw card, quite an attractive woman. As it turns out she has beautiful eyes almost as stunning as 'her'. Serious, I have written some terrible poetry about 'her' eyes, such azure pools of quaint desire.
See.
Its a movie about unrequited love, just what I needed. Its odd that I identified so much with the lead character, he is in a relationship with his love. Me? I'm to scared to say anything to mine that is even close to being about a relationship. I keep coming up with things like this...
Women like you don’t exist in my world,
You’re just an image, sent to torment,
An occasional laps, you fall to me,
And I see your warmth intimacy.
Then you’re gone and I am alone,
To dream of you, in my darkened world.
See, pathetic. Again I just cant get the emotion I feel into anything.
I understand what it is like to be so intensely, emotionally involved with someone who does not reciprocate the feelings. Women like to think they have the market cornered in emotion, I'm sorry to say that is just not true. We men (Well some of us) have quite deep feelings, honest.
Though I so very much wish that I could be like most other guys and never really let anything in, or out. Life would be so much easier.
I 'feel' some things so strong that six years after my last relationship I still thought of her daily.
Now it is going to be 'her' I think of so much in the future even without having been IN a relationship?
Damn, I am so messed up right now.
Cant think, cant eat, cant sleep............ what to do.
Alone I sit and watch the dark envelop
I watch intently, beckoning the cold night
Dare the shadows to move, take shape
The quiet to be lost on a whisper
A terrible horror lay in wait, reaches out
Alone it takes me, never to see again.
Maybe I just don't belong in this world? One of those occasional screw ups nature throw out there?
God I wish all I thought about was sports, beer, and my mates.
AJ.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Becalmed I guess would be the nautical term.
When the wind has been taken from your sails.
Today started off ok, got up, did some laundry and went to work. I had an $80 COD parcel the postman had delivered to me by mistake, I was meant to get a notice and go in to pay for it when I picked up the package!!
I suck, I went to the post office and told them, paid in full for the package. I guess I could have claimed innocence and said I never saw the parcel and kept it, but Karma is gonna get me one day.
It felt good to do the right thing actually. Then I wandered into the hallway and BAM!
I run into 'HER', my sexy dream girl, my god does she look so fine in that nurses uniform! I cant help but to smile widely! We stop and chat for a while, I gaze again into those seductively deep pools of sultry, soull steeling beauty that are her eyes.
Again I feel she must sense something from me. (That creepy guy?)
She had bought back some DVDs and a magazine I had lent her, have a quick chat about her being in the process of moving ans she is looking for a flat mate. Just as we are about to part ways she does it.
Drops a bomb shell.
POW.
'Oh, I'm leaving in two weeks, I got a job elsewhere'.
My soul fell to the floor, my empty shell stared on at her.
Leaving?
I'm not sure what I said, if I said anything at all at first. I do remember saying, 'Moving on to greener pastures, huh?'
That's about it, I must have looked stricken, or at least a little odd as she seemed to search my face as I fumbled for a reply.
So she will still do a shift a week, I will have to work my way onto it!! At least she said she wanted to keep in touch, that made me feel better.
But now I sit here almost numb, silly really isn't it? Someone who I have no idea if she thinks anything of me and I'm so smitten that the discovery of her leaving has absolutely 'gutted' me, deflated, demoralised me.
I wrote this on the way to work, I though I shouls at least put something positive up......
What I am writing tonight is somewhat dark I guess. I dont want to post it up just yet.
When the wind has been taken from your sails.
Today started off ok, got up, did some laundry and went to work. I had an $80 COD parcel the postman had delivered to me by mistake, I was meant to get a notice and go in to pay for it when I picked up the package!!
I suck, I went to the post office and told them, paid in full for the package. I guess I could have claimed innocence and said I never saw the parcel and kept it, but Karma is gonna get me one day.
It felt good to do the right thing actually. Then I wandered into the hallway and BAM!
I run into 'HER', my sexy dream girl, my god does she look so fine in that nurses uniform! I cant help but to smile widely! We stop and chat for a while, I gaze again into those seductively deep pools of sultry, soull steeling beauty that are her eyes.
Again I feel she must sense something from me. (That creepy guy?)
She had bought back some DVDs and a magazine I had lent her, have a quick chat about her being in the process of moving ans she is looking for a flat mate. Just as we are about to part ways she does it.
Drops a bomb shell.
POW.
'Oh, I'm leaving in two weeks, I got a job elsewhere'.
My soul fell to the floor, my empty shell stared on at her.
Leaving?
I'm not sure what I said, if I said anything at all at first. I do remember saying, 'Moving on to greener pastures, huh?'
That's about it, I must have looked stricken, or at least a little odd as she seemed to search my face as I fumbled for a reply.
So she will still do a shift a week, I will have to work my way onto it!! At least she said she wanted to keep in touch, that made me feel better.
But now I sit here almost numb, silly really isn't it? Someone who I have no idea if she thinks anything of me and I'm so smitten that the discovery of her leaving has absolutely 'gutted' me, deflated, demoralised me.
I wrote this on the way to work, I though I shouls at least put something positive up......
I look into your eyes,
Dark seething seas of your soul.
What light I see, and long to reach,
To feel your touch, to know your spirit.
With gentle intent I seek your hand.
Come walk with me, through this dark valley,
Light my life with your tender love,
Let me care for you,
Let me show my devotion.
Dark seething seas of your soul.
What light I see, and long to reach,
To feel your touch, to know your spirit.
With gentle intent I seek your hand.
Come walk with me, through this dark valley,
Light my life with your tender love,
Let me care for you,
Let me show my devotion.
What I am writing tonight is somewhat dark I guess. I dont want to post it up just yet.
Oh baby please dont go.
How I have made myself a fool, I lament my love, bare my soul.
Yes it is true I have fallen, and never wish to return.
AJ.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
One for the road.
I must still be enveloped in this melancholy, it keeps finding its way out.
What to do? Where to go?
I feel I need to make a new start, cut myself free from some of the chains that hold me down. I need to get out of this place I am living in, I so desperately need to leave. Have you ever lived in a place that seems to draw from your very soul?
I hate to be home, I work overtime without claiming, I go to work early just for the change in scenery.
I am beams of darkness,
Piercing your day.
That cold hand that grasps,
With fear and hate.
I am the tremor of horror,
That runs through your mind.
The creature you hate,
The creature you desire.
The silent sudden dark,
That pilfers your life.
Then again there is always that one shining light, the one that makes life bearable. Just to see her makes so much right, If I was man enough to at least utter her name here this poem would make a little more sense.
Summer,
Moon,
Esoteric,
Hypnotic state........
It all ties in, from the Hindi God who's name means 'The nectar of immortality' represented by the moon.
Bright summer moon,
My idol of esoteric desire.
Your scent, so delicate,
Sends me into ecstasy.
The magnetic pull,
When we are so near.
This weakness I feel,
Inside I crumble.
I desire so much,
To take your hand.
Kiss so gently your neck,
Hot breath caress your cheek.
Forever am I lost in,
This hypnotic state,
You drive me too.
Filled with dreams of you.
What to do? Where to go?
I feel I need to make a new start, cut myself free from some of the chains that hold me down. I need to get out of this place I am living in, I so desperately need to leave. Have you ever lived in a place that seems to draw from your very soul?
I hate to be home, I work overtime without claiming, I go to work early just for the change in scenery.
I am beams of darkness,
Piercing your day.
That cold hand that grasps,
With fear and hate.
I am the tremor of horror,
That runs through your mind.
The creature you hate,
The creature you desire.
The silent sudden dark,
That pilfers your life.
Then again there is always that one shining light, the one that makes life bearable. Just to see her makes so much right, If I was man enough to at least utter her name here this poem would make a little more sense.
Summer,
Moon,
Esoteric,
Hypnotic state........
It all ties in, from the Hindi God who's name means 'The nectar of immortality' represented by the moon.
Bright summer moon,
My idol of esoteric desire.
Your scent, so delicate,
Sends me into ecstasy.
The magnetic pull,
When we are so near.
This weakness I feel,
Inside I crumble.
I desire so much,
To take your hand.
Kiss so gently your neck,
Hot breath caress your cheek.
Forever am I lost in,
This hypnotic state,
You drive me too.
Filled with dreams of you.
Here I am with yet another post about my desire. I have been thinking of a name I can use for her? I was reading about her name, that of an old Hindi God and a hallucinogenic naturally growing drug!!
I think I will simply refer to her as M, for a good reason but one I shall keep to myself.
So I have just missed a day of work after dislocating my arm, was kinda messed up having been up for 30 odd hours, being knocked out to get my arm back in and then the painkillers on top I plane slept through my shift. I have a feeling I am going to get fired soon, that would be a disaster I wouldn't see M then.
I cant even think of an excuse to see her out of work without asking for a date.
Once again I am too timid to even contemplate that!!
Having been sitting here thinking about her I again began to write a little,
This cold reaches my despair,
When the sky clouds dark,
And the stars fall by.
I dream of your love,
A dream of sunshine.
For my life gone by,
I have sat in wait,
For the night of my day,
To be lit by your warmth.
That one is kinda dark, I dare say that is due to the melancholy mood I am in.
This next one came to me while laying in bed,
Your body, soft, supple, warm.
Let me explore you; let me discover your passion.
Invite me to find the depths of your soul,
Those places where only you go, private places talked of never.
Let me share them, feast of them, inflame them with passion.
Let me engorge your body and soul with desire.
With a rolling wall of driving lust, let me tear you asunder,
With my thunderous desire, let me pleasure you completely.
Tumultuously I will leave you quivering, shattered, satisfied,
Totally alive.
AJ.
I think I will simply refer to her as M, for a good reason but one I shall keep to myself.
So I have just missed a day of work after dislocating my arm, was kinda messed up having been up for 30 odd hours, being knocked out to get my arm back in and then the painkillers on top I plane slept through my shift. I have a feeling I am going to get fired soon, that would be a disaster I wouldn't see M then.
I cant even think of an excuse to see her out of work without asking for a date.
Once again I am too timid to even contemplate that!!
Having been sitting here thinking about her I again began to write a little,
This cold reaches my despair,
When the sky clouds dark,
And the stars fall by.
I dream of your love,
A dream of sunshine.
For my life gone by,
I have sat in wait,
For the night of my day,
To be lit by your warmth.
That one is kinda dark, I dare say that is due to the melancholy mood I am in.
This next one came to me while laying in bed,
Your body, soft, supple, warm.
Let me explore you; let me discover your passion.
Invite me to find the depths of your soul,
Those places where only you go, private places talked of never.
Let me share them, feast of them, inflame them with passion.
Let me engorge your body and soul with desire.
With a rolling wall of driving lust, let me tear you asunder,
With my thunderous desire, let me pleasure you completely.
Tumultuously I will leave you quivering, shattered, satisfied,
Totally alive.
AJ.
More re-posts...
This one I wrote after looking at my rosted and realising I wouldnt see her for over a week. She lives so close to me but it may as well be a million miles and a million years away.
A tyranny of time, Of distance away,
How long must I wait to see you again?
A week, a day, an hour too long,
A minute too much, I need you now.
I guess this is self explanitory, someone I knew and the sudden realisation of what could have been.
In these years gone by, do you think of me?
The way I think of you?
Was I so blind, could I have seen?
You cared for me, I was a fool,
Could see not, that was given to me,
To realise now, just what I have left behind.
As this talon tears at my soul,
I realise you thought of me,
Much the same I still think of you,
Where can you be?
Inevitably I start to think too much, backpedal into the darkness I have spoken of. A place where the terrible things I have done for my country wait for me, the heart ache, the fear and the eternal loneliness. I end up writing a POS like this,
Heavy dark cloud hurries across the leaden night sky.
Rain drums its incessant medley high on the sloping slate roof,
Accompanied by murmuring rivulets of water rushing for the stream.
Above, a beam of light cuts a mournful swathe through the scudding gloom,
Piercing out from the enigmatic white tower, guiding and strong.
Lightning flashes, momentarily revealing the barren landscape,
As thunder rolls sullenly across the dank sky.
I sit and watch as the candle light reflects its macabre dance in the breeze,
A deep soulless sigh escapes my quivering body I shudder,
I close my eyes, as a lone tear falls to dash itself against the cold floor.
My mind awash with your image, oh, how I wish you were here,
Hold me in your arms, warm gentle caress chase away this storm.
Return a summer’s day of my soul,
Peaceful with your love.
This is not a good place to be.
AJ.
A tyranny of time, Of distance away,
How long must I wait to see you again?
A week, a day, an hour too long,
A minute too much, I need you now.
I guess this is self explanitory, someone I knew and the sudden realisation of what could have been.
In these years gone by, do you think of me?
The way I think of you?
Was I so blind, could I have seen?
You cared for me, I was a fool,
Could see not, that was given to me,
To realise now, just what I have left behind.
As this talon tears at my soul,
I realise you thought of me,
Much the same I still think of you,
Where can you be?
Inevitably I start to think too much, backpedal into the darkness I have spoken of. A place where the terrible things I have done for my country wait for me, the heart ache, the fear and the eternal loneliness. I end up writing a POS like this,
Heavy dark cloud hurries across the leaden night sky.
Rain drums its incessant medley high on the sloping slate roof,
Accompanied by murmuring rivulets of water rushing for the stream.
Above, a beam of light cuts a mournful swathe through the scudding gloom,
Piercing out from the enigmatic white tower, guiding and strong.
Lightning flashes, momentarily revealing the barren landscape,
As thunder rolls sullenly across the dank sky.
I sit and watch as the candle light reflects its macabre dance in the breeze,
A deep soulless sigh escapes my quivering body I shudder,
I close my eyes, as a lone tear falls to dash itself against the cold floor.
My mind awash with your image, oh, how I wish you were here,
Hold me in your arms, warm gentle caress chase away this storm.
Return a summer’s day of my soul,
Peaceful with your love.
This is not a good place to be.
AJ.
My weak ass poerty
Here I am once again, this time I have been sitting here silently pounding away at my keyboard.
I missed a couple of days work due to an illness so I have been going through 'withdrawals' for the one I talked about in my second post.
So close yet so very far away. What does one do when they are love struck and all alone? Write poetry.
I hear you all groan, noooooo not another hack! Well yeah I am, an odd thing for a (Supposed) rough tough ex soldier to do but under it all I guess I'm pretty much the same as anyone.
Here we go, if anyone reads this please say a few words, even if it is you suck and stop writing!
Women like you don’t exist in my world,
You’re just an image, sent to torment,
An occasional laps, you fall to me,
And I feel your warmth intimacy.
Then you’re gone and I am alone,
To dream of you, in my darkened world.
A simple start, how about one with a little more body?
In the darkest reaches of the night, my mind turns to you,
Wayward images dance through my tortured dreams.
I alone I stare into your eyes reach out, gently touch your face.
I drink deeply of your sweet lips, kiss gently your fair skin.
To smile, content in the warmth of your embrace.
Your touch so gentle, my soul, my body trembles so,
My pulse quickens and my breath comes fast,
Within my chest this heart burns, as the coal that fuels the flame of love.
In my dreams we are as one, share loves embrace.
Then all too soon you are gone, torn away by truth,
And in the early morn I find another night has dashed its self to day,
Alone I awake, filled with yearning for you I find no rest,
Weary of soul and tired of body I do rise,
To face this lonely, barren, world of my own,
With a smile and a twinkle in my eye,
For again tonight you will be mine.
An odd thought just struck me, do women even like having things like this written about them? Is this just a big 'sad sack' of a thing to do? Will I get laughed at if I show her?
Damn I am out of touch with this relation thing. Maybe I should just resign myself to a life alone writing crummy poetry about a desire I can never fulfill? I think I need a 'lady friend' I can bounce ideas off, someone firmly in the real world.
AJ.
I missed a couple of days work due to an illness so I have been going through 'withdrawals' for the one I talked about in my second post.
So close yet so very far away. What does one do when they are love struck and all alone? Write poetry.
I hear you all groan, noooooo not another hack! Well yeah I am, an odd thing for a (Supposed) rough tough ex soldier to do but under it all I guess I'm pretty much the same as anyone.
Here we go, if anyone reads this please say a few words, even if it is you suck and stop writing!
Women like you don’t exist in my world,
You’re just an image, sent to torment,
An occasional laps, you fall to me,
And I feel your warmth intimacy.
Then you’re gone and I am alone,
To dream of you, in my darkened world.
A simple start, how about one with a little more body?
In the darkest reaches of the night, my mind turns to you,
Wayward images dance through my tortured dreams.
I alone I stare into your eyes reach out, gently touch your face.
I drink deeply of your sweet lips, kiss gently your fair skin.
To smile, content in the warmth of your embrace.
Your touch so gentle, my soul, my body trembles so,
My pulse quickens and my breath comes fast,
Within my chest this heart burns, as the coal that fuels the flame of love.
In my dreams we are as one, share loves embrace.
Then all too soon you are gone, torn away by truth,
And in the early morn I find another night has dashed its self to day,
Alone I awake, filled with yearning for you I find no rest,
Weary of soul and tired of body I do rise,
To face this lonely, barren, world of my own,
With a smile and a twinkle in my eye,
For again tonight you will be mine.
An odd thought just struck me, do women even like having things like this written about them? Is this just a big 'sad sack' of a thing to do? Will I get laughed at if I show her?
Damn I am out of touch with this relation thing. Maybe I should just resign myself to a life alone writing crummy poetry about a desire I can never fulfill? I think I need a 'lady friend' I can bounce ideas off, someone firmly in the real world.
AJ.
Third post, what a day!
This day will live in infamy!
Have you ever had one of those days?
One where the planets align and everything comes together just right? Where (Add religious icon here) reaches out and personally selects you for riches? I am glad to say that today was one of those days!
It started off like pretty much every other Sunday I wasn’t working, tried to sleep in but could only manage 7am. Hell I’ll take that! It was a beautiful morning, so nice in fact I decided to go for a walk. I get home and realise I’m short on a few things, like any form of food at all, so I guess it’s a shopping trip today.
I shower, jump in the car and crank up some music and hit the road. Now I love to drive. Every chance I get I go for a road trip.
I build Hotrod’s just for the pleasure of driving them, well I try too, I had to sell my last two and my present project isnt loking prosperous. Ok, I hear you say, so what?
Well it’s a nice day, great music and I find I drive right by the shops and out into the hills outside Brisbane! I spent the next three hours with some Led Zepp (Hey, there more than most realise) Wolf Mother, Janis Joplin and Elmore James cruising in the countryside.
At some point I decided to head back into town just aimlessly drifting and found myself near Virginia, an idea pops into my head (Bing!) there is an engine builders nearby that I have been thinking of using to build my next cars motor, I think I may look the place up.
I know its Sunday and it will be closed but I can always see what sort of set up they have. Well I didn’t make it that far, I got a simple Text message, it read.....DUDE, IN TOWN.
I couldn’t believe it!
Sitting at the lights screaming a Homeresque WO’HO!! And waving my arms around I think the people behind me were a little concerned. (They backed away) This is the best news I have had all year, seriously, seriously good news! I pull into a service station and make a call.
‘Dude, where, when?’ were all I asked.
‘Now, airport, come get me!’
oh yes, the gods have smiled on me!
‘Ok, great. So someone you know is in town, hell we all have friends’. Yes, I can hear the thoughts of you reading this!What’s the big deal? Well it’s hard to put into words. As you may remember I was in the Army (You should this is like post 3, just how bad is your memory?)..............So what was I saying?
Oh, that’s right, how do I explain how important this guy is?
We served together; the type of soldiering I was doing at this time was somewhat difficult. I had some time under my belt including 18 months of medical training and almost a year of training to get into this particular unit. I was one of a small patrol, to get here we had to undergo a ‘cadre course’ (Selection course) over 2000 people applied for my course, 12 of us were accepted (To this day and I so very much hope to my dying day it was the hardest thing I have ever attempted to do). Then onto some intense training, more fell by the wayside until 8 of us were presented with what was our most prised possession, the unit ‘Beret’.
I was integrated into an existing patrol as the Medic, for the next few years we did pretty much everything together. Yes, EVERYTHING. On deployments we were the type of unit that operated so far detached from anyone else and under such strong secrecy that most don’t know we were even in theatre.
Hell, my own family dont know what I did.
So...... here come the cliche’s.
I got to know these 4 guys better than anyone I have ever known, one guy in particular became my closest mate. Closer mentaly than any relationship I have ever had with a woman, I guess he could be called my hetero soul mate, (I’ll call him ‘B’) we were closer than a married couple, not many couples had to face what we did, the fear, tension and threat of death on operations. To build on the cliché all 4 of them were the guys that I knew would risk their own life for mine. Without question, without qualification.
I hear people say I am such good friends with X, or I love X so much I would risk my life for them. Easy to say, hard to do. I am proud to say not only did they actualy do this for me but one so very horrible night I got to repay them all. We worked well together, played, lived, ate, slept did everything as a team.
Then things started to go very wrong. On a patrol we were spotted and they opened up on us with a lot of fire power. We had just begun to move down from a vantage point when they contacted us. B was in front of me and about 30 feet away. He was hit in the chest, had he not been there Im sure I would have been hit. I did everything I could for him but he died right there on some dusty shit full hill side in a country not worth the fucking effort to piss on.
B was gone.
We were sent home, given some leave, I ended up hospitalising an RAAF police coporal at a party and did 28 days in Military Prison. Should have been the end of my career in the unit but someone was looking after me. Although I still had three incredible mates to support me I came very close to just pulling the pin and leaving. They of course stopped me and straightened me out, we got a new patrol member and kept on going.
Then in June 1996 I sat on my arse in a Military Hospital having just had a knee reconstruction. In my absence the guys still had to train and they did just that with the rest of the squadron. I had just been released for convalescence leave and was staying at my sister’s house (Her husband is NAVY) when I received a very late phone call. There had been an accident, two helicopters had collided. At that stage they didn’t know how many were killed, they did however know that two of my patrol were among the dead.
Fuck.
There were now only two of us. He was now in town.
I had not seen him in over a year. So there you go, that’s why I was so damn happy, er, why I AM so damn happy! My soul surviving patrol mate was in town! I headed straight into the airport which was not far away to have this smiling retard dive onto the bonnet of my car! So what to two old mates do? Well, not much!! We catch up, have some dinner and watch a movie.
So, we don’t have much imagination but we had fun. I guess the simple fact that we were back in the one place again is enough.
Now its 2130hrs, I have just returned home from dropping him off at the airport for his trip overseas. (He now works for a private military company) And I? I am one of the happiest guys on the planet.The planets truly did align, the hand of some god (If they exist) did reach out and bless me and a good years worth of luck just got used up but who gives a rats??Not I.
I am a happy guy.
AJ.
Have you ever had one of those days?
One where the planets align and everything comes together just right? Where (Add religious icon here) reaches out and personally selects you for riches? I am glad to say that today was one of those days!
It started off like pretty much every other Sunday I wasn’t working, tried to sleep in but could only manage 7am. Hell I’ll take that! It was a beautiful morning, so nice in fact I decided to go for a walk. I get home and realise I’m short on a few things, like any form of food at all, so I guess it’s a shopping trip today.
I shower, jump in the car and crank up some music and hit the road. Now I love to drive. Every chance I get I go for a road trip.
I build Hotrod’s just for the pleasure of driving them, well I try too, I had to sell my last two and my present project isnt loking prosperous. Ok, I hear you say, so what?
Well it’s a nice day, great music and I find I drive right by the shops and out into the hills outside Brisbane! I spent the next three hours with some Led Zepp (Hey, there more than most realise) Wolf Mother, Janis Joplin and Elmore James cruising in the countryside.
At some point I decided to head back into town just aimlessly drifting and found myself near Virginia, an idea pops into my head (Bing!) there is an engine builders nearby that I have been thinking of using to build my next cars motor, I think I may look the place up.
I know its Sunday and it will be closed but I can always see what sort of set up they have. Well I didn’t make it that far, I got a simple Text message, it read.....DUDE, IN TOWN.
I couldn’t believe it!
Sitting at the lights screaming a Homeresque WO’HO!! And waving my arms around I think the people behind me were a little concerned. (They backed away) This is the best news I have had all year, seriously, seriously good news! I pull into a service station and make a call.
‘Dude, where, when?’ were all I asked.
‘Now, airport, come get me!’
oh yes, the gods have smiled on me!
‘Ok, great. So someone you know is in town, hell we all have friends’. Yes, I can hear the thoughts of you reading this!What’s the big deal? Well it’s hard to put into words. As you may remember I was in the Army (You should this is like post 3, just how bad is your memory?)..............So what was I saying?
Oh, that’s right, how do I explain how important this guy is?
We served together; the type of soldiering I was doing at this time was somewhat difficult. I had some time under my belt including 18 months of medical training and almost a year of training to get into this particular unit. I was one of a small patrol, to get here we had to undergo a ‘cadre course’ (Selection course) over 2000 people applied for my course, 12 of us were accepted (To this day and I so very much hope to my dying day it was the hardest thing I have ever attempted to do). Then onto some intense training, more fell by the wayside until 8 of us were presented with what was our most prised possession, the unit ‘Beret’.
I was integrated into an existing patrol as the Medic, for the next few years we did pretty much everything together. Yes, EVERYTHING. On deployments we were the type of unit that operated so far detached from anyone else and under such strong secrecy that most don’t know we were even in theatre.
Hell, my own family dont know what I did.
So...... here come the cliche’s.
I got to know these 4 guys better than anyone I have ever known, one guy in particular became my closest mate. Closer mentaly than any relationship I have ever had with a woman, I guess he could be called my hetero soul mate, (I’ll call him ‘B’) we were closer than a married couple, not many couples had to face what we did, the fear, tension and threat of death on operations. To build on the cliché all 4 of them were the guys that I knew would risk their own life for mine. Without question, without qualification.
I hear people say I am such good friends with X, or I love X so much I would risk my life for them. Easy to say, hard to do. I am proud to say not only did they actualy do this for me but one so very horrible night I got to repay them all. We worked well together, played, lived, ate, slept did everything as a team.
Then things started to go very wrong. On a patrol we were spotted and they opened up on us with a lot of fire power. We had just begun to move down from a vantage point when they contacted us. B was in front of me and about 30 feet away. He was hit in the chest, had he not been there Im sure I would have been hit. I did everything I could for him but he died right there on some dusty shit full hill side in a country not worth the fucking effort to piss on.
B was gone.
We were sent home, given some leave, I ended up hospitalising an RAAF police coporal at a party and did 28 days in Military Prison. Should have been the end of my career in the unit but someone was looking after me. Although I still had three incredible mates to support me I came very close to just pulling the pin and leaving. They of course stopped me and straightened me out, we got a new patrol member and kept on going.
Then in June 1996 I sat on my arse in a Military Hospital having just had a knee reconstruction. In my absence the guys still had to train and they did just that with the rest of the squadron. I had just been released for convalescence leave and was staying at my sister’s house (Her husband is NAVY) when I received a very late phone call. There had been an accident, two helicopters had collided. At that stage they didn’t know how many were killed, they did however know that two of my patrol were among the dead.
Fuck.
There were now only two of us. He was now in town.
I had not seen him in over a year. So there you go, that’s why I was so damn happy, er, why I AM so damn happy! My soul surviving patrol mate was in town! I headed straight into the airport which was not far away to have this smiling retard dive onto the bonnet of my car! So what to two old mates do? Well, not much!! We catch up, have some dinner and watch a movie.
So, we don’t have much imagination but we had fun. I guess the simple fact that we were back in the one place again is enough.
Now its 2130hrs, I have just returned home from dropping him off at the airport for his trip overseas. (He now works for a private military company) And I? I am one of the happiest guys on the planet.The planets truly did align, the hand of some god (If they exist) did reach out and bless me and a good years worth of luck just got used up but who gives a rats??Not I.
I am a happy guy.
AJ.
Second post.....
So fine.
So very fine indeed.
These are the terribly sexist words that I find keep filling my head. Now did I hear you ask why? Of course I didn’t, no one will ever read this! But I digress......I have fallen in, err..... Lust? I don’t think I can say love, not yet anyway. I have not known her long enough for there to be a feeling so strong as that. Maybe I should say infatuation? I really don’t know yet, I do however know that I am enjoying what I do feel.
I remember when I meet her, at first she struck me as pretty but really not the sort of woman that would ‘take my fancy’. We were in a week long orientation to the facility we work in.
Yes, I said we work together, relationships in the workplace are always ‘verboten’ and bound to fail in the most horrid of ways. Well, that’s what they always say, I am hoping that I get a chance to prove my theory that it is simply not true.
Now back to the story, she sat across from me a rather quiet and seemingly attentive young lady but I was somewhat oblivious to her. In fact there was another woman on the course that really did take my fancy, dark hair, dark eyes and coy. It was one of those boredom infatuations we men can be so crass as to ‘have’ to make the time go faster with our inner thoughts.
Now fast forward about two months, I have not seen the dark haired temptress since. I had however seen, quite often, this pretty young lady that had sat across from me. Saying I work with her is a little miss leading, this is shift work and the department is split into a number of different sub units. If we are on shift together we are in different units so you really do not get to see one another. I guess the highlight is on ‘hand over’ when you take over from the other. In the last few weeks if she is on the shift beforehand I get in a little early to take over from her.
I just realised how sad and pathetic that sounds. Just so we are clear, yes I know how dismal this makes me sound. I can live with it............So back to the story.
It was at the hand over’s that I got a chance to actually talk with her. It was quite pleasant to discover that she was such a great person. Unlike we jaded ‘hate the world’ types. She has a subtly ironic humour and is completely un pretentious for such a stunning woman. She is so very easy to talk to that my sad awkwardness is only slightly noticeable.
Some of the things I had noticed on orientation were really emphasised now, like her eyes. The first thing I had noticed were her eyes, they were...um....are stunning. The kind of eyes that you can get happily lost in for days, the kind that once you look into them it is so very hard to look away. Many a time since then I have wondered if I have given myself away or made her think I’m a little creepy by holding my gaze just that little too long. But it is oh-so-hard to look away from those eyes!
The next thing I found was just how nice her smile is, I have never said this about anyone before, but her smile is perfect. I know that something being ‘perfect’ is a throwaway line these days and is over used but it is true, her smile is. And I am (Well my inner monologue is anyway) one of those sad cliché using ‘peeps’.
So there you have it, I am smitten with a woman so far out of my league I think she is playing a completely different sport. Working in the same place as her has made my job bearable.
Well that’s it for this one, I would like to thank my fans (Fan, thanks for reading mum!)
Check back in for the next exciting sentiment ridden triad........
AJ.
So very fine indeed.
These are the terribly sexist words that I find keep filling my head. Now did I hear you ask why? Of course I didn’t, no one will ever read this! But I digress......I have fallen in, err..... Lust? I don’t think I can say love, not yet anyway. I have not known her long enough for there to be a feeling so strong as that. Maybe I should say infatuation? I really don’t know yet, I do however know that I am enjoying what I do feel.
I remember when I meet her, at first she struck me as pretty but really not the sort of woman that would ‘take my fancy’. We were in a week long orientation to the facility we work in.
Yes, I said we work together, relationships in the workplace are always ‘verboten’ and bound to fail in the most horrid of ways. Well, that’s what they always say, I am hoping that I get a chance to prove my theory that it is simply not true.
Now back to the story, she sat across from me a rather quiet and seemingly attentive young lady but I was somewhat oblivious to her. In fact there was another woman on the course that really did take my fancy, dark hair, dark eyes and coy. It was one of those boredom infatuations we men can be so crass as to ‘have’ to make the time go faster with our inner thoughts.
Now fast forward about two months, I have not seen the dark haired temptress since. I had however seen, quite often, this pretty young lady that had sat across from me. Saying I work with her is a little miss leading, this is shift work and the department is split into a number of different sub units. If we are on shift together we are in different units so you really do not get to see one another. I guess the highlight is on ‘hand over’ when you take over from the other. In the last few weeks if she is on the shift beforehand I get in a little early to take over from her.
I just realised how sad and pathetic that sounds. Just so we are clear, yes I know how dismal this makes me sound. I can live with it............So back to the story.
It was at the hand over’s that I got a chance to actually talk with her. It was quite pleasant to discover that she was such a great person. Unlike we jaded ‘hate the world’ types. She has a subtly ironic humour and is completely un pretentious for such a stunning woman. She is so very easy to talk to that my sad awkwardness is only slightly noticeable.
Some of the things I had noticed on orientation were really emphasised now, like her eyes. The first thing I had noticed were her eyes, they were...um....are stunning. The kind of eyes that you can get happily lost in for days, the kind that once you look into them it is so very hard to look away. Many a time since then I have wondered if I have given myself away or made her think I’m a little creepy by holding my gaze just that little too long. But it is oh-so-hard to look away from those eyes!
The next thing I found was just how nice her smile is, I have never said this about anyone before, but her smile is perfect. I know that something being ‘perfect’ is a throwaway line these days and is over used but it is true, her smile is. And I am (Well my inner monologue is anyway) one of those sad cliché using ‘peeps’.
So there you have it, I am smitten with a woman so far out of my league I think she is playing a completely different sport. Working in the same place as her has made my job bearable.
Well that’s it for this one, I would like to thank my fans (Fan, thanks for reading mum!)
Check back in for the next exciting sentiment ridden triad........
AJ.
The all singing, all dancing, first blog!
So, this seemed to be a great idea.
Even as I was joining, even as far as writing the title to my first ever post. Then..................................I realised something.
I have very little to say and the realisation that I am saying it to no one is....... Well I guess its somewhat liberating to be honest. I can say just what is on my mind good or bad without the 'spectre' of condemnation from the people who mean something to me.
Who am I?
Well I could be anyone, I could work with you, maybe I went to school with you, maybe I’m that guy that hangs out at 2am in your front yard? (DH’OH, already I have said too much!!)
Seriously? I am no one.
I would be that face that is forgotten the second you look away in a crowd. That quiet guy, reading a book who says very little (Mainly because you have forgotten me already!).
I am most certainly not the guy smiling, I’m not unhappy I just smile on the inside (Jeez, what a cliché!!). It’s true though I get asked every day at work ‘What’s wrong?’ that get’s on my goat if you know what I mean. If there was something wrong I am rather adapt at showing it, you wouldn’t have to question me.
I spend a lot of time alone, not because I am friend less but my closest friend lives about 1,450 km away. Many of my mates are over sea’s, working in countries that are war torn and in need of a heavy hand to guide them to the ‘light’ of democracy.
Hey don’t jump on me for that, any democracy is better than totalitarian rule. If you enjoy the freedom to hate your government, to enjoy a protest or the freedom of speech it entails, you have one thing to do.
Thank a soldier.
Yup, that’s right I’m one of them.
I am proud to have served my country in our Army. Hate me if you will but at least acknowledge the fact that it was the sacrifices of my forbearers that gave you that right.
We may be perceived as uneducated thugs, the bottom of society and most certainly not the sort of people you want to take home to Mum. But there is one thing that impresses me about every one of my fellow service men/Women.
Every one of them is willing to lay down their life for the safety of thousands of people they do not know and more often than not are abused by. It is a unique quality, a selflessness that is lost in the rest of society.
Well, that’s enough of that.
I am sure it will come up in the future, that is if I ever write another one of these.
So why am I here? Why am I writing one of these damned Blog’s?
I dunno..........I like to write, I’m not very good at it but it gives me something to do. Maybe it’s a kind of therapy? I know one thing though, there are so many of these I am fascinated to see if anyone will read this. Even more so I wonder if I will be entertaining enough to gather a following?
Who knows? Maybe I will make someone laugh, maybe I will upset someone. If you have read this far why not come back.
See you next time??
(I do hope too)
AJ.
So, this seemed to be a great idea.
Even as I was joining, even as far as writing the title to my first ever post. Then..................................I realised something.
I have very little to say and the realisation that I am saying it to no one is....... Well I guess its somewhat liberating to be honest. I can say just what is on my mind good or bad without the 'spectre' of condemnation from the people who mean something to me.
Who am I?
Well I could be anyone, I could work with you, maybe I went to school with you, maybe I’m that guy that hangs out at 2am in your front yard? (DH’OH, already I have said too much!!)
Seriously? I am no one.
I would be that face that is forgotten the second you look away in a crowd. That quiet guy, reading a book who says very little (Mainly because you have forgotten me already!).
I am most certainly not the guy smiling, I’m not unhappy I just smile on the inside (Jeez, what a cliché!!). It’s true though I get asked every day at work ‘What’s wrong?’ that get’s on my goat if you know what I mean. If there was something wrong I am rather adapt at showing it, you wouldn’t have to question me.
I spend a lot of time alone, not because I am friend less but my closest friend lives about 1,450 km away. Many of my mates are over sea’s, working in countries that are war torn and in need of a heavy hand to guide them to the ‘light’ of democracy.
Hey don’t jump on me for that, any democracy is better than totalitarian rule. If you enjoy the freedom to hate your government, to enjoy a protest or the freedom of speech it entails, you have one thing to do.
Thank a soldier.
Yup, that’s right I’m one of them.
I am proud to have served my country in our Army. Hate me if you will but at least acknowledge the fact that it was the sacrifices of my forbearers that gave you that right.
We may be perceived as uneducated thugs, the bottom of society and most certainly not the sort of people you want to take home to Mum. But there is one thing that impresses me about every one of my fellow service men/Women.
Every one of them is willing to lay down their life for the safety of thousands of people they do not know and more often than not are abused by. It is a unique quality, a selflessness that is lost in the rest of society.
Well, that’s enough of that.
I am sure it will come up in the future, that is if I ever write another one of these.
So why am I here? Why am I writing one of these damned Blog’s?
I dunno..........I like to write, I’m not very good at it but it gives me something to do. Maybe it’s a kind of therapy? I know one thing though, there are so many of these I am fascinated to see if anyone will read this. Even more so I wonder if I will be entertaining enough to gather a following?
Who knows? Maybe I will make someone laugh, maybe I will upset someone. If you have read this far why not come back.
See you next time??
(I do hope too)
AJ.
New start
So this is now the second attempt at my blog. The first one for some reason will not let me log in, it tells me my account does not exist, then tells me to make sure I have completed my registration. I do this and it tells me that I cant use my email address as it is already attached to another account.
So here I go, I will re-post my old (All 4 of them) posts........
So here I go, I will re-post my old (All 4 of them) posts........
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