So I have been trying to write.
Trying so very hard but nothing will come out.
Sitting here I have stared at the screen, I have walked for hours and sat with pen an paper but nothing comes.
Is this it? Has the only light in my soul finally died?
I just cant get anything out that makes any sense, not that I was any good at writing but I could occasionally blunder my way through a verse.
And now......
Nothing.
I couldn't think straight so I went out to spend some mindless time at the movies. Not much playing at all, so I see '500 Days of Summer', my first clue not to go see this movie was huge, in fact it stares right back at me in its very title.
Though with the usual male incompetence I wander off anyway. Now Zooey Deschanel is a draw card, quite an attractive woman. As it turns out she has beautiful eyes almost as stunning as 'her'. Serious, I have written some terrible poetry about 'her' eyes, such azure pools of quaint desire.
See.
Its a movie about unrequited love, just what I needed. Its odd that I identified so much with the lead character, he is in a relationship with his love. Me? I'm to scared to say anything to mine that is even close to being about a relationship. I keep coming up with things like this...
Women like you don’t exist in my world,
You’re just an image, sent to torment,
An occasional laps, you fall to me,
And I see your warmth intimacy.
Then you’re gone and I am alone,
To dream of you, in my darkened world.
See, pathetic. Again I just cant get the emotion I feel into anything.
I understand what it is like to be so intensely, emotionally involved with someone who does not reciprocate the feelings. Women like to think they have the market cornered in emotion, I'm sorry to say that is just not true. We men (Well some of us) have quite deep feelings, honest.
Though I so very much wish that I could be like most other guys and never really let anything in, or out. Life would be so much easier.
I 'feel' some things so strong that six years after my last relationship I still thought of her daily.
Now it is going to be 'her' I think of so much in the future even without having been IN a relationship?
Damn, I am so messed up right now.
Cant think, cant eat, cant sleep............ what to do.
Alone I sit and watch the dark envelop
I watch intently, beckoning the cold night
Dare the shadows to move, take shape
The quiet to be lost on a whisper
A terrible horror lay in wait, reaches out
Alone it takes me, never to see again.
Maybe I just don't belong in this world? One of those occasional screw ups nature throw out there?
God I wish all I thought about was sports, beer, and my mates.
AJ.
Friday, September 25, 2009
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Becalmed I guess would be the nautical term.
When the wind has been taken from your sails.
Today started off ok, got up, did some laundry and went to work. I had an $80 COD parcel the postman had delivered to me by mistake, I was meant to get a notice and go in to pay for it when I picked up the package!!
I suck, I went to the post office and told them, paid in full for the package. I guess I could have claimed innocence and said I never saw the parcel and kept it, but Karma is gonna get me one day.
It felt good to do the right thing actually. Then I wandered into the hallway and BAM!
I run into 'HER', my sexy dream girl, my god does she look so fine in that nurses uniform! I cant help but to smile widely! We stop and chat for a while, I gaze again into those seductively deep pools of sultry, soull steeling beauty that are her eyes.
Again I feel she must sense something from me. (That creepy guy?)
She had bought back some DVDs and a magazine I had lent her, have a quick chat about her being in the process of moving ans she is looking for a flat mate. Just as we are about to part ways she does it.
Drops a bomb shell.
POW.
'Oh, I'm leaving in two weeks, I got a job elsewhere'.
My soul fell to the floor, my empty shell stared on at her.
Leaving?
I'm not sure what I said, if I said anything at all at first. I do remember saying, 'Moving on to greener pastures, huh?'
That's about it, I must have looked stricken, or at least a little odd as she seemed to search my face as I fumbled for a reply.
So she will still do a shift a week, I will have to work my way onto it!! At least she said she wanted to keep in touch, that made me feel better.
But now I sit here almost numb, silly really isn't it? Someone who I have no idea if she thinks anything of me and I'm so smitten that the discovery of her leaving has absolutely 'gutted' me, deflated, demoralised me.
I wrote this on the way to work, I though I shouls at least put something positive up......
What I am writing tonight is somewhat dark I guess. I dont want to post it up just yet.
When the wind has been taken from your sails.
Today started off ok, got up, did some laundry and went to work. I had an $80 COD parcel the postman had delivered to me by mistake, I was meant to get a notice and go in to pay for it when I picked up the package!!
I suck, I went to the post office and told them, paid in full for the package. I guess I could have claimed innocence and said I never saw the parcel and kept it, but Karma is gonna get me one day.
It felt good to do the right thing actually. Then I wandered into the hallway and BAM!
I run into 'HER', my sexy dream girl, my god does she look so fine in that nurses uniform! I cant help but to smile widely! We stop and chat for a while, I gaze again into those seductively deep pools of sultry, soull steeling beauty that are her eyes.
Again I feel she must sense something from me. (That creepy guy?)
She had bought back some DVDs and a magazine I had lent her, have a quick chat about her being in the process of moving ans she is looking for a flat mate. Just as we are about to part ways she does it.
Drops a bomb shell.
POW.
'Oh, I'm leaving in two weeks, I got a job elsewhere'.
My soul fell to the floor, my empty shell stared on at her.
Leaving?
I'm not sure what I said, if I said anything at all at first. I do remember saying, 'Moving on to greener pastures, huh?'
That's about it, I must have looked stricken, or at least a little odd as she seemed to search my face as I fumbled for a reply.
So she will still do a shift a week, I will have to work my way onto it!! At least she said she wanted to keep in touch, that made me feel better.
But now I sit here almost numb, silly really isn't it? Someone who I have no idea if she thinks anything of me and I'm so smitten that the discovery of her leaving has absolutely 'gutted' me, deflated, demoralised me.
I wrote this on the way to work, I though I shouls at least put something positive up......
I look into your eyes,
Dark seething seas of your soul.
What light I see, and long to reach,
To feel your touch, to know your spirit.
With gentle intent I seek your hand.
Come walk with me, through this dark valley,
Light my life with your tender love,
Let me care for you,
Let me show my devotion.
Dark seething seas of your soul.
What light I see, and long to reach,
To feel your touch, to know your spirit.
With gentle intent I seek your hand.
Come walk with me, through this dark valley,
Light my life with your tender love,
Let me care for you,
Let me show my devotion.
What I am writing tonight is somewhat dark I guess. I dont want to post it up just yet.
Oh baby please dont go.
How I have made myself a fool, I lament my love, bare my soul.
Yes it is true I have fallen, and never wish to return.
AJ.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
One for the road.
I must still be enveloped in this melancholy, it keeps finding its way out.
What to do? Where to go?
I feel I need to make a new start, cut myself free from some of the chains that hold me down. I need to get out of this place I am living in, I so desperately need to leave. Have you ever lived in a place that seems to draw from your very soul?
I hate to be home, I work overtime without claiming, I go to work early just for the change in scenery.
I am beams of darkness,
Piercing your day.
That cold hand that grasps,
With fear and hate.
I am the tremor of horror,
That runs through your mind.
The creature you hate,
The creature you desire.
The silent sudden dark,
That pilfers your life.
Then again there is always that one shining light, the one that makes life bearable. Just to see her makes so much right, If I was man enough to at least utter her name here this poem would make a little more sense.
Summer,
Moon,
Esoteric,
Hypnotic state........
It all ties in, from the Hindi God who's name means 'The nectar of immortality' represented by the moon.
Bright summer moon,
My idol of esoteric desire.
Your scent, so delicate,
Sends me into ecstasy.
The magnetic pull,
When we are so near.
This weakness I feel,
Inside I crumble.
I desire so much,
To take your hand.
Kiss so gently your neck,
Hot breath caress your cheek.
Forever am I lost in,
This hypnotic state,
You drive me too.
Filled with dreams of you.
What to do? Where to go?
I feel I need to make a new start, cut myself free from some of the chains that hold me down. I need to get out of this place I am living in, I so desperately need to leave. Have you ever lived in a place that seems to draw from your very soul?
I hate to be home, I work overtime without claiming, I go to work early just for the change in scenery.
I am beams of darkness,
Piercing your day.
That cold hand that grasps,
With fear and hate.
I am the tremor of horror,
That runs through your mind.
The creature you hate,
The creature you desire.
The silent sudden dark,
That pilfers your life.
Then again there is always that one shining light, the one that makes life bearable. Just to see her makes so much right, If I was man enough to at least utter her name here this poem would make a little more sense.
Summer,
Moon,
Esoteric,
Hypnotic state........
It all ties in, from the Hindi God who's name means 'The nectar of immortality' represented by the moon.
Bright summer moon,
My idol of esoteric desire.
Your scent, so delicate,
Sends me into ecstasy.
The magnetic pull,
When we are so near.
This weakness I feel,
Inside I crumble.
I desire so much,
To take your hand.
Kiss so gently your neck,
Hot breath caress your cheek.
Forever am I lost in,
This hypnotic state,
You drive me too.
Filled with dreams of you.
Here I am with yet another post about my desire. I have been thinking of a name I can use for her? I was reading about her name, that of an old Hindi God and a hallucinogenic naturally growing drug!!
I think I will simply refer to her as M, for a good reason but one I shall keep to myself.
So I have just missed a day of work after dislocating my arm, was kinda messed up having been up for 30 odd hours, being knocked out to get my arm back in and then the painkillers on top I plane slept through my shift. I have a feeling I am going to get fired soon, that would be a disaster I wouldn't see M then.
I cant even think of an excuse to see her out of work without asking for a date.
Once again I am too timid to even contemplate that!!
Having been sitting here thinking about her I again began to write a little,
This cold reaches my despair,
When the sky clouds dark,
And the stars fall by.
I dream of your love,
A dream of sunshine.
For my life gone by,
I have sat in wait,
For the night of my day,
To be lit by your warmth.
That one is kinda dark, I dare say that is due to the melancholy mood I am in.
This next one came to me while laying in bed,
Your body, soft, supple, warm.
Let me explore you; let me discover your passion.
Invite me to find the depths of your soul,
Those places where only you go, private places talked of never.
Let me share them, feast of them, inflame them with passion.
Let me engorge your body and soul with desire.
With a rolling wall of driving lust, let me tear you asunder,
With my thunderous desire, let me pleasure you completely.
Tumultuously I will leave you quivering, shattered, satisfied,
Totally alive.
AJ.
I think I will simply refer to her as M, for a good reason but one I shall keep to myself.
So I have just missed a day of work after dislocating my arm, was kinda messed up having been up for 30 odd hours, being knocked out to get my arm back in and then the painkillers on top I plane slept through my shift. I have a feeling I am going to get fired soon, that would be a disaster I wouldn't see M then.
I cant even think of an excuse to see her out of work without asking for a date.
Once again I am too timid to even contemplate that!!
Having been sitting here thinking about her I again began to write a little,
This cold reaches my despair,
When the sky clouds dark,
And the stars fall by.
I dream of your love,
A dream of sunshine.
For my life gone by,
I have sat in wait,
For the night of my day,
To be lit by your warmth.
That one is kinda dark, I dare say that is due to the melancholy mood I am in.
This next one came to me while laying in bed,
Your body, soft, supple, warm.
Let me explore you; let me discover your passion.
Invite me to find the depths of your soul,
Those places where only you go, private places talked of never.
Let me share them, feast of them, inflame them with passion.
Let me engorge your body and soul with desire.
With a rolling wall of driving lust, let me tear you asunder,
With my thunderous desire, let me pleasure you completely.
Tumultuously I will leave you quivering, shattered, satisfied,
Totally alive.
AJ.
More re-posts...
This one I wrote after looking at my rosted and realising I wouldnt see her for over a week. She lives so close to me but it may as well be a million miles and a million years away.
A tyranny of time, Of distance away,
How long must I wait to see you again?
A week, a day, an hour too long,
A minute too much, I need you now.
I guess this is self explanitory, someone I knew and the sudden realisation of what could have been.
In these years gone by, do you think of me?
The way I think of you?
Was I so blind, could I have seen?
You cared for me, I was a fool,
Could see not, that was given to me,
To realise now, just what I have left behind.
As this talon tears at my soul,
I realise you thought of me,
Much the same I still think of you,
Where can you be?
Inevitably I start to think too much, backpedal into the darkness I have spoken of. A place where the terrible things I have done for my country wait for me, the heart ache, the fear and the eternal loneliness. I end up writing a POS like this,
Heavy dark cloud hurries across the leaden night sky.
Rain drums its incessant medley high on the sloping slate roof,
Accompanied by murmuring rivulets of water rushing for the stream.
Above, a beam of light cuts a mournful swathe through the scudding gloom,
Piercing out from the enigmatic white tower, guiding and strong.
Lightning flashes, momentarily revealing the barren landscape,
As thunder rolls sullenly across the dank sky.
I sit and watch as the candle light reflects its macabre dance in the breeze,
A deep soulless sigh escapes my quivering body I shudder,
I close my eyes, as a lone tear falls to dash itself against the cold floor.
My mind awash with your image, oh, how I wish you were here,
Hold me in your arms, warm gentle caress chase away this storm.
Return a summer’s day of my soul,
Peaceful with your love.
This is not a good place to be.
AJ.
A tyranny of time, Of distance away,
How long must I wait to see you again?
A week, a day, an hour too long,
A minute too much, I need you now.
I guess this is self explanitory, someone I knew and the sudden realisation of what could have been.
In these years gone by, do you think of me?
The way I think of you?
Was I so blind, could I have seen?
You cared for me, I was a fool,
Could see not, that was given to me,
To realise now, just what I have left behind.
As this talon tears at my soul,
I realise you thought of me,
Much the same I still think of you,
Where can you be?
Inevitably I start to think too much, backpedal into the darkness I have spoken of. A place where the terrible things I have done for my country wait for me, the heart ache, the fear and the eternal loneliness. I end up writing a POS like this,
Heavy dark cloud hurries across the leaden night sky.
Rain drums its incessant medley high on the sloping slate roof,
Accompanied by murmuring rivulets of water rushing for the stream.
Above, a beam of light cuts a mournful swathe through the scudding gloom,
Piercing out from the enigmatic white tower, guiding and strong.
Lightning flashes, momentarily revealing the barren landscape,
As thunder rolls sullenly across the dank sky.
I sit and watch as the candle light reflects its macabre dance in the breeze,
A deep soulless sigh escapes my quivering body I shudder,
I close my eyes, as a lone tear falls to dash itself against the cold floor.
My mind awash with your image, oh, how I wish you were here,
Hold me in your arms, warm gentle caress chase away this storm.
Return a summer’s day of my soul,
Peaceful with your love.
This is not a good place to be.
AJ.
My weak ass poerty
Here I am once again, this time I have been sitting here silently pounding away at my keyboard.
I missed a couple of days work due to an illness so I have been going through 'withdrawals' for the one I talked about in my second post.
So close yet so very far away. What does one do when they are love struck and all alone? Write poetry.
I hear you all groan, noooooo not another hack! Well yeah I am, an odd thing for a (Supposed) rough tough ex soldier to do but under it all I guess I'm pretty much the same as anyone.
Here we go, if anyone reads this please say a few words, even if it is you suck and stop writing!
Women like you don’t exist in my world,
You’re just an image, sent to torment,
An occasional laps, you fall to me,
And I feel your warmth intimacy.
Then you’re gone and I am alone,
To dream of you, in my darkened world.
A simple start, how about one with a little more body?
In the darkest reaches of the night, my mind turns to you,
Wayward images dance through my tortured dreams.
I alone I stare into your eyes reach out, gently touch your face.
I drink deeply of your sweet lips, kiss gently your fair skin.
To smile, content in the warmth of your embrace.
Your touch so gentle, my soul, my body trembles so,
My pulse quickens and my breath comes fast,
Within my chest this heart burns, as the coal that fuels the flame of love.
In my dreams we are as one, share loves embrace.
Then all too soon you are gone, torn away by truth,
And in the early morn I find another night has dashed its self to day,
Alone I awake, filled with yearning for you I find no rest,
Weary of soul and tired of body I do rise,
To face this lonely, barren, world of my own,
With a smile and a twinkle in my eye,
For again tonight you will be mine.
An odd thought just struck me, do women even like having things like this written about them? Is this just a big 'sad sack' of a thing to do? Will I get laughed at if I show her?
Damn I am out of touch with this relation thing. Maybe I should just resign myself to a life alone writing crummy poetry about a desire I can never fulfill? I think I need a 'lady friend' I can bounce ideas off, someone firmly in the real world.
AJ.
I missed a couple of days work due to an illness so I have been going through 'withdrawals' for the one I talked about in my second post.
So close yet so very far away. What does one do when they are love struck and all alone? Write poetry.
I hear you all groan, noooooo not another hack! Well yeah I am, an odd thing for a (Supposed) rough tough ex soldier to do but under it all I guess I'm pretty much the same as anyone.
Here we go, if anyone reads this please say a few words, even if it is you suck and stop writing!
Women like you don’t exist in my world,
You’re just an image, sent to torment,
An occasional laps, you fall to me,
And I feel your warmth intimacy.
Then you’re gone and I am alone,
To dream of you, in my darkened world.
A simple start, how about one with a little more body?
In the darkest reaches of the night, my mind turns to you,
Wayward images dance through my tortured dreams.
I alone I stare into your eyes reach out, gently touch your face.
I drink deeply of your sweet lips, kiss gently your fair skin.
To smile, content in the warmth of your embrace.
Your touch so gentle, my soul, my body trembles so,
My pulse quickens and my breath comes fast,
Within my chest this heart burns, as the coal that fuels the flame of love.
In my dreams we are as one, share loves embrace.
Then all too soon you are gone, torn away by truth,
And in the early morn I find another night has dashed its self to day,
Alone I awake, filled with yearning for you I find no rest,
Weary of soul and tired of body I do rise,
To face this lonely, barren, world of my own,
With a smile and a twinkle in my eye,
For again tonight you will be mine.
An odd thought just struck me, do women even like having things like this written about them? Is this just a big 'sad sack' of a thing to do? Will I get laughed at if I show her?
Damn I am out of touch with this relation thing. Maybe I should just resign myself to a life alone writing crummy poetry about a desire I can never fulfill? I think I need a 'lady friend' I can bounce ideas off, someone firmly in the real world.
AJ.
Third post, what a day!
This day will live in infamy!
Have you ever had one of those days?
One where the planets align and everything comes together just right? Where (Add religious icon here) reaches out and personally selects you for riches? I am glad to say that today was one of those days!
It started off like pretty much every other Sunday I wasn’t working, tried to sleep in but could only manage 7am. Hell I’ll take that! It was a beautiful morning, so nice in fact I decided to go for a walk. I get home and realise I’m short on a few things, like any form of food at all, so I guess it’s a shopping trip today.
I shower, jump in the car and crank up some music and hit the road. Now I love to drive. Every chance I get I go for a road trip.
I build Hotrod’s just for the pleasure of driving them, well I try too, I had to sell my last two and my present project isnt loking prosperous. Ok, I hear you say, so what?
Well it’s a nice day, great music and I find I drive right by the shops and out into the hills outside Brisbane! I spent the next three hours with some Led Zepp (Hey, there more than most realise) Wolf Mother, Janis Joplin and Elmore James cruising in the countryside.
At some point I decided to head back into town just aimlessly drifting and found myself near Virginia, an idea pops into my head (Bing!) there is an engine builders nearby that I have been thinking of using to build my next cars motor, I think I may look the place up.
I know its Sunday and it will be closed but I can always see what sort of set up they have. Well I didn’t make it that far, I got a simple Text message, it read.....DUDE, IN TOWN.
I couldn’t believe it!
Sitting at the lights screaming a Homeresque WO’HO!! And waving my arms around I think the people behind me were a little concerned. (They backed away) This is the best news I have had all year, seriously, seriously good news! I pull into a service station and make a call.
‘Dude, where, when?’ were all I asked.
‘Now, airport, come get me!’
oh yes, the gods have smiled on me!
‘Ok, great. So someone you know is in town, hell we all have friends’. Yes, I can hear the thoughts of you reading this!What’s the big deal? Well it’s hard to put into words. As you may remember I was in the Army (You should this is like post 3, just how bad is your memory?)..............So what was I saying?
Oh, that’s right, how do I explain how important this guy is?
We served together; the type of soldiering I was doing at this time was somewhat difficult. I had some time under my belt including 18 months of medical training and almost a year of training to get into this particular unit. I was one of a small patrol, to get here we had to undergo a ‘cadre course’ (Selection course) over 2000 people applied for my course, 12 of us were accepted (To this day and I so very much hope to my dying day it was the hardest thing I have ever attempted to do). Then onto some intense training, more fell by the wayside until 8 of us were presented with what was our most prised possession, the unit ‘Beret’.
I was integrated into an existing patrol as the Medic, for the next few years we did pretty much everything together. Yes, EVERYTHING. On deployments we were the type of unit that operated so far detached from anyone else and under such strong secrecy that most don’t know we were even in theatre.
Hell, my own family dont know what I did.
So...... here come the cliche’s.
I got to know these 4 guys better than anyone I have ever known, one guy in particular became my closest mate. Closer mentaly than any relationship I have ever had with a woman, I guess he could be called my hetero soul mate, (I’ll call him ‘B’) we were closer than a married couple, not many couples had to face what we did, the fear, tension and threat of death on operations. To build on the cliché all 4 of them were the guys that I knew would risk their own life for mine. Without question, without qualification.
I hear people say I am such good friends with X, or I love X so much I would risk my life for them. Easy to say, hard to do. I am proud to say not only did they actualy do this for me but one so very horrible night I got to repay them all. We worked well together, played, lived, ate, slept did everything as a team.
Then things started to go very wrong. On a patrol we were spotted and they opened up on us with a lot of fire power. We had just begun to move down from a vantage point when they contacted us. B was in front of me and about 30 feet away. He was hit in the chest, had he not been there Im sure I would have been hit. I did everything I could for him but he died right there on some dusty shit full hill side in a country not worth the fucking effort to piss on.
B was gone.
We were sent home, given some leave, I ended up hospitalising an RAAF police coporal at a party and did 28 days in Military Prison. Should have been the end of my career in the unit but someone was looking after me. Although I still had three incredible mates to support me I came very close to just pulling the pin and leaving. They of course stopped me and straightened me out, we got a new patrol member and kept on going.
Then in June 1996 I sat on my arse in a Military Hospital having just had a knee reconstruction. In my absence the guys still had to train and they did just that with the rest of the squadron. I had just been released for convalescence leave and was staying at my sister’s house (Her husband is NAVY) when I received a very late phone call. There had been an accident, two helicopters had collided. At that stage they didn’t know how many were killed, they did however know that two of my patrol were among the dead.
Fuck.
There were now only two of us. He was now in town.
I had not seen him in over a year. So there you go, that’s why I was so damn happy, er, why I AM so damn happy! My soul surviving patrol mate was in town! I headed straight into the airport which was not far away to have this smiling retard dive onto the bonnet of my car! So what to two old mates do? Well, not much!! We catch up, have some dinner and watch a movie.
So, we don’t have much imagination but we had fun. I guess the simple fact that we were back in the one place again is enough.
Now its 2130hrs, I have just returned home from dropping him off at the airport for his trip overseas. (He now works for a private military company) And I? I am one of the happiest guys on the planet.The planets truly did align, the hand of some god (If they exist) did reach out and bless me and a good years worth of luck just got used up but who gives a rats??Not I.
I am a happy guy.
AJ.
Have you ever had one of those days?
One where the planets align and everything comes together just right? Where (Add religious icon here) reaches out and personally selects you for riches? I am glad to say that today was one of those days!
It started off like pretty much every other Sunday I wasn’t working, tried to sleep in but could only manage 7am. Hell I’ll take that! It was a beautiful morning, so nice in fact I decided to go for a walk. I get home and realise I’m short on a few things, like any form of food at all, so I guess it’s a shopping trip today.
I shower, jump in the car and crank up some music and hit the road. Now I love to drive. Every chance I get I go for a road trip.
I build Hotrod’s just for the pleasure of driving them, well I try too, I had to sell my last two and my present project isnt loking prosperous. Ok, I hear you say, so what?
Well it’s a nice day, great music and I find I drive right by the shops and out into the hills outside Brisbane! I spent the next three hours with some Led Zepp (Hey, there more than most realise) Wolf Mother, Janis Joplin and Elmore James cruising in the countryside.
At some point I decided to head back into town just aimlessly drifting and found myself near Virginia, an idea pops into my head (Bing!) there is an engine builders nearby that I have been thinking of using to build my next cars motor, I think I may look the place up.
I know its Sunday and it will be closed but I can always see what sort of set up they have. Well I didn’t make it that far, I got a simple Text message, it read.....DUDE, IN TOWN.
I couldn’t believe it!
Sitting at the lights screaming a Homeresque WO’HO!! And waving my arms around I think the people behind me were a little concerned. (They backed away) This is the best news I have had all year, seriously, seriously good news! I pull into a service station and make a call.
‘Dude, where, when?’ were all I asked.
‘Now, airport, come get me!’
oh yes, the gods have smiled on me!
‘Ok, great. So someone you know is in town, hell we all have friends’. Yes, I can hear the thoughts of you reading this!What’s the big deal? Well it’s hard to put into words. As you may remember I was in the Army (You should this is like post 3, just how bad is your memory?)..............So what was I saying?
Oh, that’s right, how do I explain how important this guy is?
We served together; the type of soldiering I was doing at this time was somewhat difficult. I had some time under my belt including 18 months of medical training and almost a year of training to get into this particular unit. I was one of a small patrol, to get here we had to undergo a ‘cadre course’ (Selection course) over 2000 people applied for my course, 12 of us were accepted (To this day and I so very much hope to my dying day it was the hardest thing I have ever attempted to do). Then onto some intense training, more fell by the wayside until 8 of us were presented with what was our most prised possession, the unit ‘Beret’.
I was integrated into an existing patrol as the Medic, for the next few years we did pretty much everything together. Yes, EVERYTHING. On deployments we were the type of unit that operated so far detached from anyone else and under such strong secrecy that most don’t know we were even in theatre.
Hell, my own family dont know what I did.
So...... here come the cliche’s.
I got to know these 4 guys better than anyone I have ever known, one guy in particular became my closest mate. Closer mentaly than any relationship I have ever had with a woman, I guess he could be called my hetero soul mate, (I’ll call him ‘B’) we were closer than a married couple, not many couples had to face what we did, the fear, tension and threat of death on operations. To build on the cliché all 4 of them were the guys that I knew would risk their own life for mine. Without question, without qualification.
I hear people say I am such good friends with X, or I love X so much I would risk my life for them. Easy to say, hard to do. I am proud to say not only did they actualy do this for me but one so very horrible night I got to repay them all. We worked well together, played, lived, ate, slept did everything as a team.
Then things started to go very wrong. On a patrol we were spotted and they opened up on us with a lot of fire power. We had just begun to move down from a vantage point when they contacted us. B was in front of me and about 30 feet away. He was hit in the chest, had he not been there Im sure I would have been hit. I did everything I could for him but he died right there on some dusty shit full hill side in a country not worth the fucking effort to piss on.
B was gone.
We were sent home, given some leave, I ended up hospitalising an RAAF police coporal at a party and did 28 days in Military Prison. Should have been the end of my career in the unit but someone was looking after me. Although I still had three incredible mates to support me I came very close to just pulling the pin and leaving. They of course stopped me and straightened me out, we got a new patrol member and kept on going.
Then in June 1996 I sat on my arse in a Military Hospital having just had a knee reconstruction. In my absence the guys still had to train and they did just that with the rest of the squadron. I had just been released for convalescence leave and was staying at my sister’s house (Her husband is NAVY) when I received a very late phone call. There had been an accident, two helicopters had collided. At that stage they didn’t know how many were killed, they did however know that two of my patrol were among the dead.
Fuck.
There were now only two of us. He was now in town.
I had not seen him in over a year. So there you go, that’s why I was so damn happy, er, why I AM so damn happy! My soul surviving patrol mate was in town! I headed straight into the airport which was not far away to have this smiling retard dive onto the bonnet of my car! So what to two old mates do? Well, not much!! We catch up, have some dinner and watch a movie.
So, we don’t have much imagination but we had fun. I guess the simple fact that we were back in the one place again is enough.
Now its 2130hrs, I have just returned home from dropping him off at the airport for his trip overseas. (He now works for a private military company) And I? I am one of the happiest guys on the planet.The planets truly did align, the hand of some god (If they exist) did reach out and bless me and a good years worth of luck just got used up but who gives a rats??Not I.
I am a happy guy.
AJ.
Second post.....
So fine.
So very fine indeed.
These are the terribly sexist words that I find keep filling my head. Now did I hear you ask why? Of course I didn’t, no one will ever read this! But I digress......I have fallen in, err..... Lust? I don’t think I can say love, not yet anyway. I have not known her long enough for there to be a feeling so strong as that. Maybe I should say infatuation? I really don’t know yet, I do however know that I am enjoying what I do feel.
I remember when I meet her, at first she struck me as pretty but really not the sort of woman that would ‘take my fancy’. We were in a week long orientation to the facility we work in.
Yes, I said we work together, relationships in the workplace are always ‘verboten’ and bound to fail in the most horrid of ways. Well, that’s what they always say, I am hoping that I get a chance to prove my theory that it is simply not true.
Now back to the story, she sat across from me a rather quiet and seemingly attentive young lady but I was somewhat oblivious to her. In fact there was another woman on the course that really did take my fancy, dark hair, dark eyes and coy. It was one of those boredom infatuations we men can be so crass as to ‘have’ to make the time go faster with our inner thoughts.
Now fast forward about two months, I have not seen the dark haired temptress since. I had however seen, quite often, this pretty young lady that had sat across from me. Saying I work with her is a little miss leading, this is shift work and the department is split into a number of different sub units. If we are on shift together we are in different units so you really do not get to see one another. I guess the highlight is on ‘hand over’ when you take over from the other. In the last few weeks if she is on the shift beforehand I get in a little early to take over from her.
I just realised how sad and pathetic that sounds. Just so we are clear, yes I know how dismal this makes me sound. I can live with it............So back to the story.
It was at the hand over’s that I got a chance to actually talk with her. It was quite pleasant to discover that she was such a great person. Unlike we jaded ‘hate the world’ types. She has a subtly ironic humour and is completely un pretentious for such a stunning woman. She is so very easy to talk to that my sad awkwardness is only slightly noticeable.
Some of the things I had noticed on orientation were really emphasised now, like her eyes. The first thing I had noticed were her eyes, they were...um....are stunning. The kind of eyes that you can get happily lost in for days, the kind that once you look into them it is so very hard to look away. Many a time since then I have wondered if I have given myself away or made her think I’m a little creepy by holding my gaze just that little too long. But it is oh-so-hard to look away from those eyes!
The next thing I found was just how nice her smile is, I have never said this about anyone before, but her smile is perfect. I know that something being ‘perfect’ is a throwaway line these days and is over used but it is true, her smile is. And I am (Well my inner monologue is anyway) one of those sad cliché using ‘peeps’.
So there you have it, I am smitten with a woman so far out of my league I think she is playing a completely different sport. Working in the same place as her has made my job bearable.
Well that’s it for this one, I would like to thank my fans (Fan, thanks for reading mum!)
Check back in for the next exciting sentiment ridden triad........
AJ.
So very fine indeed.
These are the terribly sexist words that I find keep filling my head. Now did I hear you ask why? Of course I didn’t, no one will ever read this! But I digress......I have fallen in, err..... Lust? I don’t think I can say love, not yet anyway. I have not known her long enough for there to be a feeling so strong as that. Maybe I should say infatuation? I really don’t know yet, I do however know that I am enjoying what I do feel.
I remember when I meet her, at first she struck me as pretty but really not the sort of woman that would ‘take my fancy’. We were in a week long orientation to the facility we work in.
Yes, I said we work together, relationships in the workplace are always ‘verboten’ and bound to fail in the most horrid of ways. Well, that’s what they always say, I am hoping that I get a chance to prove my theory that it is simply not true.
Now back to the story, she sat across from me a rather quiet and seemingly attentive young lady but I was somewhat oblivious to her. In fact there was another woman on the course that really did take my fancy, dark hair, dark eyes and coy. It was one of those boredom infatuations we men can be so crass as to ‘have’ to make the time go faster with our inner thoughts.
Now fast forward about two months, I have not seen the dark haired temptress since. I had however seen, quite often, this pretty young lady that had sat across from me. Saying I work with her is a little miss leading, this is shift work and the department is split into a number of different sub units. If we are on shift together we are in different units so you really do not get to see one another. I guess the highlight is on ‘hand over’ when you take over from the other. In the last few weeks if she is on the shift beforehand I get in a little early to take over from her.
I just realised how sad and pathetic that sounds. Just so we are clear, yes I know how dismal this makes me sound. I can live with it............So back to the story.
It was at the hand over’s that I got a chance to actually talk with her. It was quite pleasant to discover that she was such a great person. Unlike we jaded ‘hate the world’ types. She has a subtly ironic humour and is completely un pretentious for such a stunning woman. She is so very easy to talk to that my sad awkwardness is only slightly noticeable.
Some of the things I had noticed on orientation were really emphasised now, like her eyes. The first thing I had noticed were her eyes, they were...um....are stunning. The kind of eyes that you can get happily lost in for days, the kind that once you look into them it is so very hard to look away. Many a time since then I have wondered if I have given myself away or made her think I’m a little creepy by holding my gaze just that little too long. But it is oh-so-hard to look away from those eyes!
The next thing I found was just how nice her smile is, I have never said this about anyone before, but her smile is perfect. I know that something being ‘perfect’ is a throwaway line these days and is over used but it is true, her smile is. And I am (Well my inner monologue is anyway) one of those sad cliché using ‘peeps’.
So there you have it, I am smitten with a woman so far out of my league I think she is playing a completely different sport. Working in the same place as her has made my job bearable.
Well that’s it for this one, I would like to thank my fans (Fan, thanks for reading mum!)
Check back in for the next exciting sentiment ridden triad........
AJ.
The all singing, all dancing, first blog!
So, this seemed to be a great idea.
Even as I was joining, even as far as writing the title to my first ever post. Then..................................I realised something.
I have very little to say and the realisation that I am saying it to no one is....... Well I guess its somewhat liberating to be honest. I can say just what is on my mind good or bad without the 'spectre' of condemnation from the people who mean something to me.
Who am I?
Well I could be anyone, I could work with you, maybe I went to school with you, maybe I’m that guy that hangs out at 2am in your front yard? (DH’OH, already I have said too much!!)
Seriously? I am no one.
I would be that face that is forgotten the second you look away in a crowd. That quiet guy, reading a book who says very little (Mainly because you have forgotten me already!).
I am most certainly not the guy smiling, I’m not unhappy I just smile on the inside (Jeez, what a cliché!!). It’s true though I get asked every day at work ‘What’s wrong?’ that get’s on my goat if you know what I mean. If there was something wrong I am rather adapt at showing it, you wouldn’t have to question me.
I spend a lot of time alone, not because I am friend less but my closest friend lives about 1,450 km away. Many of my mates are over sea’s, working in countries that are war torn and in need of a heavy hand to guide them to the ‘light’ of democracy.
Hey don’t jump on me for that, any democracy is better than totalitarian rule. If you enjoy the freedom to hate your government, to enjoy a protest or the freedom of speech it entails, you have one thing to do.
Thank a soldier.
Yup, that’s right I’m one of them.
I am proud to have served my country in our Army. Hate me if you will but at least acknowledge the fact that it was the sacrifices of my forbearers that gave you that right.
We may be perceived as uneducated thugs, the bottom of society and most certainly not the sort of people you want to take home to Mum. But there is one thing that impresses me about every one of my fellow service men/Women.
Every one of them is willing to lay down their life for the safety of thousands of people they do not know and more often than not are abused by. It is a unique quality, a selflessness that is lost in the rest of society.
Well, that’s enough of that.
I am sure it will come up in the future, that is if I ever write another one of these.
So why am I here? Why am I writing one of these damned Blog’s?
I dunno..........I like to write, I’m not very good at it but it gives me something to do. Maybe it’s a kind of therapy? I know one thing though, there are so many of these I am fascinated to see if anyone will read this. Even more so I wonder if I will be entertaining enough to gather a following?
Who knows? Maybe I will make someone laugh, maybe I will upset someone. If you have read this far why not come back.
See you next time??
(I do hope too)
AJ.
So, this seemed to be a great idea.
Even as I was joining, even as far as writing the title to my first ever post. Then..................................I realised something.
I have very little to say and the realisation that I am saying it to no one is....... Well I guess its somewhat liberating to be honest. I can say just what is on my mind good or bad without the 'spectre' of condemnation from the people who mean something to me.
Who am I?
Well I could be anyone, I could work with you, maybe I went to school with you, maybe I’m that guy that hangs out at 2am in your front yard? (DH’OH, already I have said too much!!)
Seriously? I am no one.
I would be that face that is forgotten the second you look away in a crowd. That quiet guy, reading a book who says very little (Mainly because you have forgotten me already!).
I am most certainly not the guy smiling, I’m not unhappy I just smile on the inside (Jeez, what a cliché!!). It’s true though I get asked every day at work ‘What’s wrong?’ that get’s on my goat if you know what I mean. If there was something wrong I am rather adapt at showing it, you wouldn’t have to question me.
I spend a lot of time alone, not because I am friend less but my closest friend lives about 1,450 km away. Many of my mates are over sea’s, working in countries that are war torn and in need of a heavy hand to guide them to the ‘light’ of democracy.
Hey don’t jump on me for that, any democracy is better than totalitarian rule. If you enjoy the freedom to hate your government, to enjoy a protest or the freedom of speech it entails, you have one thing to do.
Thank a soldier.
Yup, that’s right I’m one of them.
I am proud to have served my country in our Army. Hate me if you will but at least acknowledge the fact that it was the sacrifices of my forbearers that gave you that right.
We may be perceived as uneducated thugs, the bottom of society and most certainly not the sort of people you want to take home to Mum. But there is one thing that impresses me about every one of my fellow service men/Women.
Every one of them is willing to lay down their life for the safety of thousands of people they do not know and more often than not are abused by. It is a unique quality, a selflessness that is lost in the rest of society.
Well, that’s enough of that.
I am sure it will come up in the future, that is if I ever write another one of these.
So why am I here? Why am I writing one of these damned Blog’s?
I dunno..........I like to write, I’m not very good at it but it gives me something to do. Maybe it’s a kind of therapy? I know one thing though, there are so many of these I am fascinated to see if anyone will read this. Even more so I wonder if I will be entertaining enough to gather a following?
Who knows? Maybe I will make someone laugh, maybe I will upset someone. If you have read this far why not come back.
See you next time??
(I do hope too)
AJ.
New start
So this is now the second attempt at my blog. The first one for some reason will not let me log in, it tells me my account does not exist, then tells me to make sure I have completed my registration. I do this and it tells me that I cant use my email address as it is already attached to another account.
So here I go, I will re-post my old (All 4 of them) posts........
So here I go, I will re-post my old (All 4 of them) posts........
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