Sea of Confusion.

I find myself adrift in a sea of confusion, this confusion made by my own foolishness.
Such a fool am I for falling for this woman, as soon as I realised these feelings were growing so strong for her I tried to fight them and I fought hard. I didn’t want them; I didn’t want to go through exactly what I am suffering.
I didn’t want to feel this pain so I fought to keep them away.
I failed.
It’s my own fault, I found out a long time ago she was seeing someone, as I was told it was ‘off and on’ I thopught there may still be a chance. Unfortunately I discovered just recently it has been more on than off.

What a terrible stake to have driven through my heart.

I knew all along that she may simply choose him as the right man and start a full time relationship, the fool I am kept quiet and that is exactly what happened. I feel like I want to cry honestly, I wish I could.

It was such a thin veneer that kept me from her, so thin, so clear
and translucent, so fragile that a single word of love could break it down.
A single, simple word that I could not utter.

Instead I have felt sadness and anger, such anger at myself for letting my feelings and my own failings drive me into this purgatory. It has affected me badly; at work I am short with other people and patients. I found I just want to sit alone and wallow in this pain, sit there and will it to leave me.

Is it time for me to move on my way? Should I try to move on? Should I talk to her, maybe she would at least listen? I don’t know what to do; I am so confused in my emotions right now.
I guess I know what I should do, but I am still driven by my feelings so strongly I can’t bear to let go. I feel so much for her that I could not even consider the thought of another woman. How long do have to wait until I can let go? Well, who knows? Would it be years like my last love? Am I going to be this wreckage of a man for that long again?
How I wish I could just find the time and place where we could sit and talk. Free myself of these thoughts, probably she would take it all in, say thank you but goodbye and that would be it forever. Is it even fair to ‘unload’ this burden of mine onto her? Would she even care?

So many questions, so few answers.

I still find she inspires me to write about my love for her, if I were a good writer I guess I could happily write about her for the rest of my life. Live with her in my mind and on the page.


What do I need to do, for you to see me, take my hand?
If I said take my hand come with me, would you go?
If I could take you to a castle white in the sky, would you go?
If I could have servants bustle at your beck and call, would you go?
If I could give you a life of luxury unrivalled, would you go?
If I could take you to a mountain top and call out my ever true love, would you go?
If I said that all there is, all I am, all there will be lies with you, would you go?
If I fell to my knees in and laid my heart before you, would you go?
If I could tell you exactly how I felt for you, you would go.


Clearly I ask too much of this life. To just hold you in my arms once and tell you of this covet, how my day is lit from dawn to dusk by you. How the night is only tolerable with the simple thought of you, that living itself I endure only for the thought of you.

How can this be so,
How did you do this to me.
I fought my heart so,
And still I fell for you.
On my knees I pray,
For your eyes to see me.

Without you, what is there? Until the day you tell me no I can not help
but hold you up on this pedestal where you belong and worship at your
altar and dream of a day we may be together.

Being alone has been tormenting me so,
Since I meet you girl, you stole my heart.
Stole my soul and my very being.
But with another man you lay,
Oblivious to me, blind to my love.
So please keep my heart and soul,
Use them as your play thing for I need them no more.
Without that these anchors, my heart, my soul.
This I dream will pass and,

this hurt will be no more.

Purgatory

Again I sit here and time passes by so slow. A day seems like a month a week a year.
I long to see her so badly, to talk to her but how?
How do I find a reason to call her?
What would I say?
‘Hey babe, just thought I would tell you that my life without you in it is a hollow shell and I find it hard to go on’......
Somehow I think that wouldn’t work.
I miss her so bad I want to talk with her, to tell her just how I feel. But then I’m scared, yup, scared.
Do I send an anonymous letter? I think that would be a little scary for her really If I simply launched into what I have written she would run for the hills, but then how do I let her know how I feel? I guess I need to let her know that she inspires me to write like this.
That it’s not simply the usual male one tracked mind thing.
How do I tell he that I love the things she says,
I love the way she thinks,
I love her intellect,
I love that when she talks it is always worth listening to,
I love the simple sound of her voice,
I love the small things, the way she moves, I mean how can a woman make the act of taking a blood pressure so attractive?
I love absolutely those little 'crinkles' at the edge of her eyes when she smiles.
I love, totally and completely LOVE her eyes. Yes I have said it before but they are stunning, even the thought of them brings a smile to my face, to gaze into them sheer ecstasy.
Just seeing her there one night while she read a patient file, the humanity you see in someone when they think no one is looking is so exquisite in her.
That looking into those magnificent eyes of hers instantly takes me to a better place.
That I feel a connection with her that I have never felt before, like I have known her forever.
I guess it also doesn’t hurt that she also happens to be the most beautiful woman I have ever meet.
But how do I do that? How do I do it without making her think I’m a crazy stalker?
Bottom line is I want to tell her so badly but I am scared of the, in my mind inevitable rejection. The ’that’s so sweet but let’s be friends’.
Am I too heavily invested in this? I just don’t know what to do, where to go.
Should I simply let her read all of this?
I need help.

AJ.

A downfall

I was sitting on the bus just the other day thinking, I guess it’s the eternal question that all men seek an answer too.

How do we work out a woman?

I spent such a long time learning about the Human body for my job, anatomy and physiology and what not.

I know how a heart works so why can’t I work out her’s?

How do I find the words that could melt her heart?

How do I even approach her?

It was a strange realisation that it has been so long since I have even wanted to approach a woman that I simply have no idea what to do anymore! This was sort of thing was easy once, but then again much of the time I was not so ‘invested’ in the outcome.
Now I find I’m scared to be alone. For the longest time being alone hasn’t worried me, that is until she walked into my life. Now it is a torment to be without her that I am struggling to endure.
I guess I simply need to ‘man up’ and talk to her, tell her just what she means to me, how extraordinary she is. Lay it all on the line as they say.
Heh, just the thought of telling her has my heart racing and my hands trembling. Could I endure the pain if she turns me away?
I don’t know.
I have never felt such tumultuous desire, such a deep yearning and dare I say it, Love for a woman. Oh, how I yearn for her loving embrace, that subtle touch on the depths of my mind.
Yes it is true, I have fallen and never wish to return.

I want you, I long for you.
I dream of you in my esoteric world,
I desire so, to speak my mind,
This revelation of my soul,
To tell of the thrill that lifts my spirit,
And sores so high to touch the heavens,
Oh how I feel, this tumultuous heartfelt anguish,
This ecstasy of desire,
But I find no way to say
With this pathetic feeble mind,
Just what you are to me,
Oh how I long to know if you may feel this way?
If there is any room for me in your heart?
I won’t take much space,
I won’t try to overwhelm,
It is just me,
Only me.

I feel you out there, with such an aching heart I know you are near and yet so far from me. You are the summer of my world.
AJ.

Retrospective

No poetry this time, a little refrain on life and past mates...

I do a lot of reading, always have 5 or 6 books on the go. I have noticed recently, at least over the last few years that a lot of books are coming out written by people I know! I always pick them up, most are a happy trip down memory lane, some not so.

I picked up a book that is a recent release while I was out shopping the other day buy a guy I served with, Keith, one serious young man when I knew him. I sat down in Borders to have a quick flick through it. I found I got a little engrossed in the book and sat there reading for a while, story about the rigours some of us went through to serve where we did.

I was surprised to find I had tears in my eyes! In the middle of a book shop, so many memories flooded back in, in such quick succession. Cadre, the guys on Reo, then the inevitable losses. The pain of losing so many mates.

It bought home how lucky I was to make it out and yet I still long to be back there. Is that crazy? Do yourself a favour and look for some books by these people,

Narelle Biedermann, both ‘Tears on my Pillow’ and ‘Modern Military Heroes’.

I still remember Narelle as a young Nursing officer, she became a good officer. The Heroes book I have trouble reading, I guess if you read this Blog and the book you would see why.

Brian Corrigan, ‘In Harm’s Way’, a good insight into the life of a private operator outside of the Army.

And last,

Keith Fennell, both ‘Warrior Brothers’ and the book I mentioned earlier ‘Warrior Training’. What more can I say? There still are truly great people left in the world, these are some of them. Please support they who offered so much for your liberty.

AJ.

Something happened at work the other night that really got me thinking about relationships and peoples motivations.
I was sitting there waiting to see the physiotherapist (PhysioTERRORIST!)When one of the doctors stopped by, she chatted for a little while then headed off. So I sat there waiting again, not too long after this same doctor came by again, this time she sat down to talk.

She seemed genuinely interested in what was going on, as we talked she leaned right into my personal space, chatting and ‘giggling’ and smiling a lot. I know I’m slow, because then it hit me! She was trying to chat me up!!

WHAT!..............................ME??....................................

Yup, lill’ old me! I see her most days and she is about the only doctor in the department that will stop and chat if they have time, most of them look down on the workers as a subspecies to do their bidding, you know.... ‘Fly my monkeys’ sort of thing.

It was latter at home that I really started to think about this, I had mentioned it to someone I knew and got what I would guess is the standard answer, ‘Hell a doctor? Go for it!!’, how quaint....

Well she is kind of cute and I find her easy to talk to, she has a wicked sense of humour! But there is just something not there. I have no idea what to call it, or even if it is definable? But there is just an element missing that would make her, the right one?

I pictured her as one does in a relationship with me, thinking just how I would feel holding her hand, with my arm around her, how would I feel in these intimate moments together. I realised that I could be in a relationship with her but it would never be serious.

As much as I do like her there would never be that passion, that burning desire for her. Where every touch from her jolts through you bringing that quick drawing in of breath, where every kiss is like electricity that surges through your soul and makes your head spin, that feeling with your arms around her as butterflies course through your very body, that feeling like without her there is simply no reason to live.

It would just be unfair to this woman, would she give all to a relationship? What would she feel with me still holding out at an arms distance, not fully embracing the relationship? I couldn’t do it to anyone. It’s just wrong to be in a relationship and not be ‘all in’ fully immersed in it.

I guess its passion? True heartfelt, from your soul passion for another?

It has taken me a long time to arrive here, where I realise that this passion is a basic need for a relationship to endure. With these feelings all those little things that can be so frustrating fall by the way. Those little habits that are so annoying in other people become endearing. Everything in the world is bearable.

With this realisation I looked back over the relationships I have had. I can only say I have been the usual unthinking male much of my life. I have had relationships of convenience, of pure sexual desire and even the good old ‘Away with the Army, I’m here, your here let’s do something’.

Maybe I should qualify that last ‘relationship’

The Defence Force relationship.......

It seems that no matter who you are that when you are away with the defence force it is expected that you will ‘pick someone up’ and most do. You are with them for as long as you are there and then normally never see them again. It sounds crass, mainly because it is, but somehow it has become a part of Military culture. Almost all people do it, with the exception of the lucky few that have found what I have been seeking.


But now with this burning passion for her comes another feeling. The one that stops me from saying anything, doing anything.

Am I good enough for her?

I ask this of myself every time I fall for someone. Not that it’s common, I have only had feelings for two women in the last 9 years!

Inevitably I come to the conclusion that I am simply not good enough. I place her high on a pedestal and worship her just as woman should be. I guess I idolise her, in my mind she can do no wrong and I am simply a minion waiting on the side lines.

This has blinded me somewhat , especially with one woman many years ago. I still have those lingering feelings for her but I know not where she is. It was not until I moved away that I realised that she thought of me as I thought of her but my inferiority complex blinded me from it. How could this wonderful woman fall for the likes of me?

So I guess in summary I fall for a woman, idolise her and sabotage any possible relationship at the same time. I find I fall for women who are ‘safe’, not likely to have an interest in me. Maybe it’s a defence mechanism, to avoid getting hurt if I found someone who would let me in?

Well to end here are some more of my musings....

This cold reaches my despair,
When the sky clouds dark.
And the stars fall by,
I dream of sunshine.
For my life gone bye,
I have sat in wait.
For the night of my day,
To be lit by the warmth,
Of your hearts gentle touch.


How I yearn for the feel of your body against mine,
A tingle down my spine, from your gentle touch.
Butterflies to swarm within my soul,
A swelling in my chest as my heart pounds so.
The lure of your sweet scent, intoxicating and pure,
To make my mind swim as I hold you tight.
Then I would wish to myself we will never part.

AJ.

More than a week now, it seems like so much more. She still fills my thoughts every minute of every day. At work I am haunted by her memory, how I long to see you again.
Just a week, this is too long.

It was a day I fell to my knees, let this anguish cry loud.

My soul lay at your feet, a victim of your eyes.

Clear summer eyes that did not see, those eyes that took me.

The good byes you said without intent, no tear like mine to fall.

You left my world, such turmoil, heartache, sad anguish as you go.

This adoring heart of mine left desolate and alone.

I don't know why bit it seems like I have known her for ever, she is so comfortable to be around like your best friend......

In the darkness, when the world was new,

When a young earth began, my soul knew you.

As time and age went past, I searched for you,

Now I find you again, a new sun lights the world.

My soul calls for you, do you remember me,

Can you hear this call, or do you shun my voice.

Together we can be king and queen of all that is,

For all eternity we are meant to be as one.

Still lost.
AJ

Realisation

I just had a flash of reality, I opened a picture of the one I write about and realised she is much to good looking to consider me. I think I have said it before, not only out of my league but playing a completely different game!
Its not a nice thing to work this out. I guess there will be more dark poetry?
While Im here I want to post up a poem by a guy Scott Nichols. I dont know him but Pauley Pereett sent this to me. We used to chat online untill he got herself a stalker. She changed everything, I guess I was just one of her multitude of fans......

IN THE PLAYGROUNDby Scott NicholsI
AmDisposable, reusable, I am treasured,
I am throw away
a sea of concrete and waves of overpasses;
the never ending road
waydrug induced, impaired, involved;
strung out like signs along the highway
the one in charge
the man with a gunand things will go my way
the tear that paths your cheekfor the followers who'll be cried
hammer in hand, splinter in eye
the double crosser and the crucified
the catastrophe on the 5 o'clock news;
the slowly dying and the mangledthe knot in the rope
in your lifeline of hopeand I cannot be untangled
the bottle floating in the currents
with the secret to success
your crackling thirstand your cannabalistic hunger
all alone in my wilderness
the light that calls the curiousto their hot and voltaged answer
the slow gnawing of your weaking bones
the malignancy of cancer
the finger that flicked the gasblowing kisses perfumed with death
burned and dispersed in the wintry air
by the chimney's smoky breath
the twists in your guts and the pain in your legs
the moment your race has begun
the gravelly voice on the end of the line
with news of the death of a loved one
Death beneath a forgotten cemetery
where you're about to break ground
I'm a beam of darkness
Mean as children
And you are in my playground.

- Scott Nichols

I would rather go blind, than see you walk away.

Thank you Etta James for those words, they hold a truth that almost scares me.
This is the last week, then she is gone out of my life. I don’t think I will see her again before she goes. They say parting is such sweet sorrow, but I just cant see that.
With such sorrow filled thoughts I have found motivation to write prolifically. My ‘writers block’ has gone.
So here is a small sample.


My heart only knows you,
All others fall away, I see them not,
Every hour, every minute I think of you.
In a crowded room we are alone,
As one by one, all others fade away.
Somehow you tricked my heart,
For now it can see you only, only you.


You walk away from me, such sorrow comes down,
Like nights velvet curtain, turns my world to black.
I have known your soul since the start of time,
Perpetual desire will stand for all time.
So empty my life until I saw you
Then in your eyes I found my life returned to me.
Without knowing you saved my soul,
Now anguish as you turn your back.
Did you see me, could you feel this way,
As you walk away I reach for you.
To stop these storm clouds from gathering around my heart
Please don’t go, stay here just so I can see you.
Even if you never feel for me, I will live happily,
Just to see smile, your eyes, to hear your voice.
Oh how I wish you wouldn’t go, out of my life,
Take with you my soul, for I need it no more.
It belongs to you, keep it and do with it what you will.

I think I should say something about my spelling, from time to time I will get one or two words wrong. Sometimes my thoughts spill out so fast its all I can do to get it down before it fades from my memory. So be kind.

Aj