I was sitting there waiting to see the physiotherapist (PhysioTERRORIST!)When one of the doctors stopped by, she chatted for a little while then headed off. So I sat there waiting again, not too long after this same doctor came by again, this time she sat down to talk.
She seemed genuinely interested in what was going on, as we talked she leaned right into my personal space, chatting and ‘giggling’ and smiling a lot. I know I’m slow, because then it hit me! She was trying to chat me up!!
WHAT!..............................ME??....................................
Yup, lill’ old me! I see her most days and she is about the only doctor in the department that will stop and chat if they have time, most of them look down on the workers as a subspecies to do their bidding, you know.... ‘Fly my monkeys’ sort of thing.
It was latter at home that I really started to think about this, I had mentioned it to someone I knew and got what I would guess is the standard answer, ‘Hell a doctor? Go for it!!’, how quaint....
Well she is kind of cute and I find her easy to talk to, she has a wicked sense of humour! But there is just something not there. I have no idea what to call it, or even if it is definable? But there is just an element missing that would make her, the right one?
I pictured her as one does in a relationship with me, thinking just how I would feel holding her hand, with my arm around her, how would I feel in these intimate moments together. I realised that I could be in a relationship with her but it would never be serious.
As much as I do like her there would never be that passion, that burning desire for her. Where every touch from her jolts through you bringing that quick drawing in of breath, where every kiss is like electricity that surges through your soul and makes your head spin, that feeling with your arms around her as butterflies course through your very body, that feeling like without her there is simply no reason to live.
It would just be unfair to this woman, would she give all to a relationship? What would she feel with me still holding out at an arms distance, not fully embracing the relationship? I couldn’t do it to anyone. It’s just wrong to be in a relationship and not be ‘all in’ fully immersed in it.
I guess its passion? True heartfelt, from your soul passion for another?
It has taken me a long time to arrive here, where I realise that this passion is a basic need for a relationship to endure. With these feelings all those little things that can be so frustrating fall by the way. Those little habits that are so annoying in other people become endearing. Everything in the world is bearable.
With this realisation I looked back over the relationships I have had. I can only say I have been the usual unthinking male much of my life. I have had relationships of convenience, of pure sexual desire and even the good old ‘Away with the Army, I’m here, your here let’s do something’.
Maybe I should qualify that last ‘relationship’
The Defence Force relationship.......
It seems that no matter who you are that when you are away with the defence force it is expected that you will ‘pick someone up’ and most do. You are with them for as long as you are there and then normally never see them again. It sounds crass, mainly because it is, but somehow it has become a part of Military culture. Almost all people do it, with the exception of the lucky few that have found what I have been seeking.
But now with this burning passion for her comes another feeling. The one that stops me from saying anything, doing anything.
Am I good enough for her?
I ask this of myself every time I fall for someone. Not that it’s common, I have only had feelings for two women in the last 9 years!
Inevitably I come to the conclusion that I am simply not good enough. I place her high on a pedestal and worship her just as woman should be. I guess I idolise her, in my mind she can do no wrong and I am simply a minion waiting on the side lines.
This has blinded me somewhat , especially with one woman many years ago. I still have those lingering feelings for her but I know not where she is. It was not until I moved away that I realised that she thought of me as I thought of her but my inferiority complex blinded me from it. How could this wonderful woman fall for the likes of me?
So I guess in summary I fall for a woman, idolise her and sabotage any possible relationship at the same time. I find I fall for women who are ‘safe’, not likely to have an interest in me. Maybe it’s a defence mechanism, to avoid getting hurt if I found someone who would let me in?
Well to end here are some more of my musings....
This cold reaches my despair,
When the sky clouds dark.
And the stars fall by,
I dream of sunshine.
For my life gone bye,
I have sat in wait.
For the night of my day,
To be lit by the warmth,
Of your hearts gentle touch.
How I yearn for the feel of your body against mine,
A tingle down my spine, from your gentle touch.
Butterflies to swarm within my soul,
A swelling in my chest as my heart pounds so.
The lure of your sweet scent, intoxicating and pure,
To make my mind swim as I hold you tight.
Then I would wish to myself we will never part.
AJ.
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